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Dave Attell

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell health
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
Dave Attell music
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
Dave Attell time
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
Dave Attell women
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Dave Attell life
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
Dave Attell people
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
Dave Attell book
I don't watch reality TV.
Dave Attell reality
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
Dave Attell confidence
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
Dave Attell time
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
Dave Attell art
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.
Dave Attell comedy
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
Dave Attell mind
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
Dave Attell love
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
Dave Attell lonely
I have no grand scheme.
Dave Attell
I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.
Dave Attell reality
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Dave Attell writing
I never wanted to be famous.
Dave Attell want
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.
Dave Attell time
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell funny
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
Dave Attell love
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
Dave Attell
I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.
Dave Attell real
I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
Dave Attell think
Whats the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Dave Attell health
1 Sourced1.1 Skanks for the Memories 1.2 Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell 1.3 Captain Miserable
Dave Attell memories
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, “Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?”
Dave Attell art
Theres a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while youre looking in a window. Ill give you a hint: one of em is super illegal.
Dave Attell you
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Dont worry honey just grab a pile of shit well get a bag at the airport!
Dave Attell age
Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family. I think a flashlight is more dangerous than a sparkler. My friends got M-80s, bottle rockets, ammonium nitrate, manure, a rented van. Theyre blowing shit up, getting things done. Im walking around with a sparkler like the Special Olympics torch-boy.
Dave Attell family
Dont get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they cant get away.
Dave Attell wrong
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Dave Attell laughter
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesnt it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
Dave Attell freedom
Im drinking Jack and I started blacking out. You ever black out? Or as I call it, time travel? You ever do that? Oh yeah! You know how it is -- youre drinking, you black out. You wake up, youre in another bar. Youre drinking, you black out. You wake up, youre playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in North Dakota, Yeah! Yeah! Winner fixes the tranny! Yeah. Youre drinking, you black out. You wake up, youre in White Castle -- working there 3 years, STILL not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you cant cause youre banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. They say shes a little retarded, but those titties aint retarded!
Dave Attell time
Never drink alone, thats what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and thats when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fish tank, alright? No, I did it just to show them whos boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, hes like bleh?? Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesnt it? Get that dick outta the fish tank!! Time for supper!
Dave Attell time
talking about how girls like mystery Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me cause Im afraid.
Dave Attell time
If you see a man running down the street cock-flapping, you run with that man. Cause there is some scary shit coming the other way.
Dave Attell man
Im sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but thats a different story.
Dave Attell reading
Remember when youre young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized hes just a drunk who wears a cape.
Dave Attell man
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both dont you? Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!
Dave Attell sex
so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but thats just how she passed out.
Dave Attell
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that cant get you laid. Its an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
Dave Attell world

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