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Dave Barry

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
— Dave Barry humor
We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
— Dave Barry power
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
— Dave Barry art
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
— Dave Barry wealth
The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that: Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere. But we are. Ha-ha-ha.
— Dave Barry wit
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
— Dave Barry history
First German: How many Polish people does it take to screw in a light bulb? Second German: I don't know! How many? First German: Let's invade Poland and find out! Millions of Other Germans: Okay!
— Dave Barry people
The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.
— Dave Barry family
We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.
— Dave Barry art
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
— Dave Barry art
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
— Dave Barry universe
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
— Dave Barry body
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
— Dave Barry water
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
— Dave Barry man
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
— Dave Barry you
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
— Dave Barry history
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
— Dave Barry man
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
— Dave Barry
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
— Dave Barry future
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
— Dave Barry wit
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
— Dave Barry believe
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
— Dave Barry sleep
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
— Dave Barry man
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
— Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
— Dave Barry art
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
— Dave Barry you
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
— Dave Barry football
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
— Dave Barry body
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
— Dave Barry religion
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
— Dave Barry nature
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
— Dave Barry country
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
— Dave Barry world
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
— Dave Barry power
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
— Dave Barry people
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
— Dave Barry travel

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