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Dennis Miller

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
— Dennis Miller funny
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.
— dennis miller
There is nothing funny about dogs playing poker. There is nothing remotely cute about animals with gambling problems. If you look closely at those paintings, you can tell that most of those dogs are playing with money they can’t afford to lose. And sadder still, it takes seven of their dollars to make one of ours.
— dennis miller funny
I wear two condoms all the time. Then when I make love, I take one off, and I feel like a wild man.
— dennis miller love
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
— dennis miller live
We’re one corporate meltdown away from having the dollar be the peso’s bitch.
— dennis miller
Shouldn’t there be some kind of relationship between how much a baby eats and how much comes out the other end? It’s like at the circus, where they’ve got the tiny VW bug but the clowns just keep coming out and out and out. . . . Eventually you learn how to hold your breath like a Hokkaido pearl diver.
— dennis miller relationship
How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?
— dennis miller man
Washington, D.C., is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
— dennis miller sin
You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in a 7 Eleven, OK?
— dennis miller art
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.
— dennis miller parenting
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. Whats the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe youd get a pulse
— Dennis Miller people
A recent police study found that youre much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run
— Dennis Miller you
A good rule of thumb is if youve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, youve made a serious vocational error.
— Dennis Miller good
The average Americans day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charless dart board.
— Dennis Miller art
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For Gods sake, they were blowing peoples heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasnt even coffee.
— Dennis Miller god
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nations highways
— Dennis Miller parenting
Ive always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
— Dennis Miller love
The radical right is so homophobic that theyre blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
— Dennis Miller war
A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: Thats the second hand, George.
— Dennis Miller time
The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.
— Dennis Miller lies
Theres nothing wrong with being shallow as long as youre insightful about it.
— Dennis Miller you
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
— Dennis Miller art
Whats so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. Its like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
— Dennis Miller war
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 Rs only one begins with an R.
— Dennis Miller education
Youve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
— Dennis Miller art
A new poll shows that Senator Kerrys support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerrys appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
— Dennis Miller man
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis nightstand.
— Dennis Miller night
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, dont they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
— Dennis Miller man
I lapsed into rude.
— Dennis Miller
Im a comedian, for Gods sake. Viewers shouldnt trust me. And you know what? Theyre hip enough to know they shouldnt trust me. Im just doing stand-up comedy.
— Dennis Miller god
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldnt be in this problem.
— Dennis Miller terrorism
Its ironic that in our culture everyones biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.
— Dennis Miller time
Just put down 9-11... I think, on most things Im liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things Im kind of conservative on.
— Dennis Miller money
Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they dont find these weapons of mass destruction. Its enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.
— Dennis Miller truth
Now, I dont want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply Gods way of letting you know that youre having too good a time.
— Dennis Miller god
One mans Voltaire is another mans Screech.
— Dennis Miller man
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
— Dennis Miller men
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
— Dennis Miller people
The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.
— Dennis Miller life
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and whats more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
— Dennis Miller life
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
— Dennis Miller marriage
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
— Dennis Miller books
Im like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
— Dennis Miller world
I rant, therefore I am.
— Dennis Miller
Born again?! No, Im not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
— Dennis Miller time

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