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Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

— Elayne Boosler body

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

— Elayne Boosler history

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

— Elayne Boosler mother

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

— Elayne Boosler you

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'

— Elayne Boosler money

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

— Elayne Boosler women

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

— Elayne Boosler people

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

— Elayne Boosler belief

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

— Elayne Boosler art

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

— Elayne Boosler time

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

— Elayne Boosler

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

— Elayne Boosler life

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

— Elayne Boosler men

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

— Elayne Boosler silence

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

— Elayne Boosler money

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

— Elayne Boosler art

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

— Elayne Boosler age

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

— Elayne Boosler sleep

The message of great art is to disturb.

— Elayne Boosler art

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

— Elayne Boosler time

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

— Elayne Boosler man

I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.

— Elayne Boosler funny

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

— Elayne Boosler live

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

— Elayne Boosler opportunity

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

— Elayne Boosler death

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