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Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
— Erma Bombeck humor
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
— Erma Bombeck life
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
— Erma Bombeck die
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
— Erma Bombeck advice
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
— Erma Bombeck war
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
— Erma Bombeck reason
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
— Erma Bombeck time
Never have more children than you have car windows.
— Erma Bombeck children
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
— Erma Bombeck you
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
— Erma Bombeck sin
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
— Erma Bombeck friend
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
— Erma Bombeck work
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
— Erma Bombeck world
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
— Erma Bombeck passion
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
— Erma Bombeck success
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
— Erma Bombeck dreams
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
— Erma Bombeck mother
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
— Erma Bombeck water
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
— Erma Bombeck wisdom
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
— Erma Bombeck courage
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
— Erma Bombeck you
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
— Erma Bombeck life
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
— Erma Bombeck water
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
— Erma Bombeck time
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
— Erma Bombeck time
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
— Erma Bombeck work
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
— Erma Bombeck wild
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
— Erma Bombeck work
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
— Erma Bombeck being
Its [motherhood] the biggest on-the-job- training program in existence today.
— Erma Bombeck existence

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101sharequotes Quotes Topics Famous Occupations Motivation Inspirational Life Love Funny Success Friendship