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Lewis Black

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
— Lewis Black coffee
I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.
— Lewis Black time
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
— Lewis Black
One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it.
— Lewis Black school
Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.
— Lewis Black war
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
— Lewis Black life
When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
— Lewis Black vision
You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
— Lewis Black you
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
— Lewis Black politics
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
— Lewis Black law
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.
— Lewis Black history
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
— Lewis Black energy
I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
— Lewis Black happy
I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
— Lewis Black help
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
— Lewis Black work
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
— Lewis Black
I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
— Lewis Black sin
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
— Lewis Black faith
Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.
— Lewis Black funny
For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.
— Lewis Black life
The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.
— Lewis Black food
All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.
— Lewis Black food
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.
— Lewis Black life
The kids say golf taught them this and that. I get it with the military: A guy joins the military because he needs discipline and has to find himself. But don't tell me, 'Golf helps you find yourself.' I've been playing my whole life, and I'm still looking for myself.
— Lewis Black life
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
— Lewis Black ideas
Theres a daytime NyQuil, and theres a nighttime NyQuil. Drink either one you want, because your cold doesnt give a shit what time it is. NyQuil comes in two colors: red and green. Its the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! Thats right, NyQuil makes a dandy egg nog! Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the entire party, This tastes like shit! But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
— Lewis Black time
Id rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. Youre sitting essentially in an out house and its 30 below. Youve cut a hole in the ice, and youre fishing for fish that you shouldnt eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
— Lewis Black man
Normally, in February, in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day and you go Im not coming into work today! Your boss goes, Why not? You sick? No! Its too gray! Then you wake up and its the grayest day youve ever seen! And the next day its even grayer! And thats usually Valentines Day, and thats the day you look at your wrists and go, Hey, maybe I should slit em to see color!
— Lewis Black work

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