mitch hedberg

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. “Goddamn it, Otto, you are an alcoholic.” “Goddamn it, Otto, you have Lupus.” One of those two doesn’t sound right.

— mitch hedberg god

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity.

— mitch hedberg opportunity

To me, the most blatant example of cruelty to animals is the rotisserie. It’s just a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.

— mitch hedberg animals

I got into an argument with my girlfriend inside a tent. A tent is not a good place for an argument. I tried to walk out on her and had to slam the flap.

— mitch hedberg men

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

— mitch hedberg light

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

— mitch hedberg man

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.

— mitch hedberg time

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

— mitch hedberg wit

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. Shes an actress, shes just never called to the set.

— Mitch Hedberg live

Im against picketing, but I dont know how to show it.

— Mitch Hedberg

I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that.

— Mitch Hedberg man

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. Thats why 2 was created.

— Mitch Hedberg create

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add er. I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, thats a fresher....Im going on break.

— Mitch Hedberg work

Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, Dude, I saw you on TV last night. But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.

— Mitch Hedberg good

I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but Im gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin complicated payment. We aint gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!

— Mitch Hedberg hope

I mumble a lot off-stage, Im a mumbler. If Im walking with a friend and I say something, he wont hear me, hell say What?. So Ill say it again, but once again he doesnt hear me, so he says What?. But really its just some insignificant sh*t that Im saying, but now Im yelling, That tree is far away.

— Mitch Hedberg age

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said I hear music, as though theres any other way to take it in. Youre not special. Thats how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

— Mitch Hedberg music

Onions make me sad, a lot of people dont realize that. When Im cutting onions, Im sad. Because the plight of onions, its sad. But people dont realize Im actually crying - they think Im just reacting.

— Mitch Hedberg people

Every time I go and shave, I assume theres someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too.

— Mitch Hedberg time

Sometimes I wave to people I dont know. Its very dangerous to wave to someone you dont know, because what if they dont have a hand? Theyll think youre cocky. Look what I got... This thing is useful. Im gonna go pick somethin up.

— Mitch Hedberg time

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...

— Mitch Hedberg man

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, Heres a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger. Heres a picture of me when Im older. You son of bit**, howd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. Whats it look like?

— Mitch Hedberg time

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

— Mitch Hedberg art

I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out of control... Now its worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.

— Mitch Hedberg control

I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write I really enjoyed being here, but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I wanted to use it, I didnt want to cross it out, so I wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. Theres a lot of sh*t you dont know about me. Quit trying to act like Im a steamboat operator. I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.

— Mitch Hedberg joy

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

— Mitch Hedberg art

Last week I helped my friend stay put. Its a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.

— Mitch Hedberg art

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. Thats a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

— Mitch Hedberg men

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I dont do it. One day Im gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. Thats ridiculous, but its true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

— Mitch Hedberg time

I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said F**k it. Cut em up.

— Mitch Hedberg think

Whats a sesame seed grow into? I dont know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! Its a street... Its a way to open shit...

— Mitch Hedberg chance

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I dont need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We dont need to bring ink and paper into this. I cant imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Dont even act like I didnt get that doughnut, Ive got the documentation right here... Its in my file at home. ...Under D.

— Mitch Hedberg money

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.

— Mitch Hedberg zen

Its hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Wheres my wallet? But, hey this song is funky...

— Mitch Hedberg you

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. Thats a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

— Mitch Hedberg men

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, Youre gonna have to move, youre blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasnt gonna run. If youre flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

— Mitch Hedberg mind

Alcoholism is a disease, but its the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesnt sound right.

— Mitch Hedberg god

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

— Mitch Hedberg change

If you boat a lot, youre known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just dont want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat.

— Mitch Hedberg hope

Spaghetti... I cant eat spaghetti, theres too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. Ill have 1000 pieces of noodles.

— Mitch Hedberg man

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, Ill never be as good as a wall.

— Mitch Hedberg good

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... its dirty.

— Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

— Mitch Hedberg you

When someone hands you a flyer, its like theyre saying here you throw this away.

— Mitch Hedberg you

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head aint funny!

— Mitch Hedberg funny

Yknow, you cant please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

— Mitch Hedberg time

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