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phyllis diller

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
— phyllis diller work
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
— phyllis diller time
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book. Or a friend who’s read one.
— phyllis diller believe
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
— phyllis diller art
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
— phyllis diller time
I don’t know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
— phyllis diller age
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
— phyllis diller suicide
I have a driving tip for you: Never hit the lead car in a funeral. I have never seen that many people in that bad a mood.
— phyllis diller people
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
— phyllis diller beauty
We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
— Phyllis Diller children
What I dont like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
— Phyllis Diller art
I want my children to have all the things I couldnt afford. Then I want to move in with them.
— Phyllis Diller children
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
— Phyllis Diller friends
We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
— Phyllis Diller children
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor
— Phyllis Diller thought
If it werent for baseball, many kids wouldnt know what a millionaire looked like.
— Phyllis Diller man
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
— Phyllis Diller
You know youre old if they have discontinued your blood type.
— Phyllis Diller you
You know youre old if your walker has an airbag.
— Phyllis Diller you
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
— Phyllis Diller
Housework cant kill you, but why take a chance?
— Phyllis Diller work
I asked the waiter, Is this milk fresh? He said, Lady, three hours ago it was grass.
— Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
— Phyllis Diller ya
Im eighteen years behind in my ironing.
— Phyllis Diller teen
Ive been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
— Phyllis Diller words
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
— Phyllis Diller time
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
— Phyllis Diller pain
My photographs dont do me justice - they just look like me.
— Phyllis Diller justice
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller fight
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
— Phyllis Diller die
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you cant see him laughing at you.
— Phyllis Diller reason
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you cant see him laughing.
— Phyllis Diller reason
The reason women dont play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
— Phyllis Diller women
Theres a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So whats the problem?
— Phyllis Diller men
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
— Phyllis Diller children
Aim high, and you wont shoot your foot off.
— Phyllis Diller you
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
— Phyllis Diller children
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
— Phyllis Diller time
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
— Phyllis Diller best
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
— Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
— Phyllis Diller you
Theres so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
— Phyllis Diller money
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.
— Phyllis Diller children
Its a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or Id be rotten to the core
— Phyllis Diller beauty
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual
— Phyllis Diller time
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
— Phyllis Diller smile
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
— Phyllis Diller beauty
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
— Phyllis Diller love
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
— Phyllis Diller men
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
— Phyllis Diller beauty
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
— Phyllis Diller sex

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