funny quotes

#3430 George Bernard Shaw

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. .

George Bernard Shaw Quotes about funny
#5026 Bill Gates

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so irritating. .

Bill Gates Quotes about funny
#6573 Will Rogers

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it. .

Will Rogers Quotes about funny
#6579 Will Rogers

The thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke. .

Will Rogers Quotes about funny
#6580 Will Rogers

So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, "I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record." Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing. Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I'm an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke. .

Will Rogers Quotes about funny
#6832 Adlai Stevenson

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House... .

Adlai Stevenson Quotes about funny
#6901 Adlai Stevenson

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. .

Adlai Stevenson Quotes about funny
#8303 Richard Nixon

You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana are Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists. .

Richard Nixon Quotes about funny
#9024 Bill Watterson

Calvin: Look at how people are portrayed in the comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews, and bimbos! And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insidious social programming is this?? No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies! Calvin's Dad: Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin: And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats! p.158 .

Bill Watterson Quotes about funny
#9386 John Lennon

We thought being offered the[Member of the Order of the British Empire] was as funny as everybody else thought it was. Why? What for? We didn't believe it. It was a part we didn't want. We all met and agreed it was daft. .

John Lennon Quotes about funny
#9436 John Lennon

I don't mind people putting us down, because if everybody really liked us, it would be a bore. You've got to have people putting you down. It doesn't give any edge to it if everybody just falls flat on their face saying, "You're great." We enjoy some of the criticisms as well, they're quite funny; some of the clever criticisms, not the ones that don't know anything, but some of the clever ones are quite fun. .

John Lennon Quotes about funny
#10387 Henry Miller

andwere very good friends, drinking buddies. One day they attend a funeral. They're walking behind the hearse in a procession, and they're having a great time conversing with one another. They are completely engrossed when suddenly one asks the other, 'Say, don't you smell something funny?' They look up and they're walking behind a garbage truck! They'd lost the hearse in the middle of their enthusiastic conversation. .

Henry Miller Quotes about funny
#12882 Kate Bush

There was a story that some EMI execs had come down to see you and you'd said something like: "Here's what I've been working on," and then produced some cakes from your oven. True? "No! I don't know where that came from. I thought that was quite funny actually. It presents me as this homely creature, which is all right, isn't it?" .

Kate Bush Quotes about funny
#13127 G. K. Chesterton

It is not funny that anything else should fall down, only that a man should fall down ... Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified. .

G. K. Chesterton Quotes about funny
#19633 Jane Austen

We spent Friday evening with our friends at the boarding-house, and our curiosity was gratified by the sight of their fellow-inmates, Mrs. Drew and Miss Hook, Mr. Wynne and Mr. Fitzhugh; the latter is brother to Mrs. Lance, and very much the gentleman. He has lived in that house more than twenty years, and poor man, is so totally deaf that they say he could not hear a cannon, were it fired close to him; having no cannon at hand to make the experiment, I took it for granted, and talked to him a little with my fingers, which was funny enough. .

Jane Austen Quotes about funny
#20132 Ernest Hemingway

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. .

Ernest Hemingway Quotes about funny
#21999 Pinky and the Brain

Pinky: Egad! That cat ! Doesn't he, Mr. Pixie? Brain: Stop calling me Mr. Pixie! This isn't funny, it's sick! .

Pinky and the Brain Quotes about funny
#24351 Larry Wall

Think of prototypes as a funny markup language--the interpretation is left up to the rendering engine. .

Larry Wall Quotes about funny
#24953 W. Somerset Maugham

He knew that women appreciated neither irony nor sarcasm, but simple jokes and funny stories. He was amply provided with both. .

W. Somerset Maugham Quotes about funny
#28215 Drugs

Purple Haze, all in my brain, lately things just don't seem the same, actin' funny, but I don't know why, 'scuse me while I kiss the sky. .

Drugs Quotes about funny
#29863 Bob Dylan

Hey, hey, , I wrote you a song, 'bout a funny ol' world that's a-comin' along .

Bob Dylan Quotes about funny
#30364 Frank Zappa

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny. .

Frank Zappa Quotes about funny
#30574 Carl Sagan

What an astonishing thing ais. It's a flat object made from awith flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of . A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic. .

Carl Sagan Quotes about funny
#31229 Stephen Hawking

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. .

Stephen Hawking Quotes about funny
#31274 Snoopy

I never give my work to somebody else and say, "What do you think about that?" I just don't trust anybody. If I think it's funny, or if I think it's silly, I send it in anyway because I'm just trying to please myself. I never try to please a certain audience. I think that's disastrous. There's no way in the world you can anticipate what your reader is going to like or dislike. .

Snoopy Quotes about funny
#31742 The Shawshank Redemption

The funny thing is, on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook. .

The Shawshank Redemption Quotes about funny
#36117 Joss Whedon

The actors can make up their dialogue. I'm bushed, and they're all funny, and the hell with it. Maybe I'll give them a premise to work off of, like "You're all in trouble" or "Wash has a thing". They could maybe light it too. .

Joss Whedon Quotes about funny
#37261 Philip K. Dick

It's the fault of those physicists and that synchronicity theory, every particle being connected with every other; you can't fart without changing the balance in the universe. It makes living a funny joke with nobody around to laugh. I open a book and get a report on future events that even God would like to file and forget. And who am I? The wrong person; I can tell you that. .

Philip K. Dick Quotes about funny
#37361 Philip K. Dick

Mental illness is not funny. .

Philip K. Dick Quotes about funny
#37437 Madonna

"For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality." .

Madonna Quotes about funny
#37970 Thomas and Friends

Thomas: PHEW! What a funny smell! Can you smell a smell? Annie: I can't smell a smell. Thomas: A funny, musty sort of smell. Gordon: No one noticed it 'til you did. It must be yours. Narrator: Not long ago, he had fallen into a dirty ditch. Thomas enjoyed teasing him about it. Thomas: Annie, Clarabel, do you know what I think it is? It's ditch water! .

Thomas and Friends Quotes about funny
#37998 Quentin Crisp

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave. .

Quentin Crisp Quotes about funny
#38009 Quentin Crisp

The simplest comment on my book came from my ballet teacher. She said, "I wish you hadn’t made every line funny. It’s so depressing." .

Quentin Crisp Quotes about funny
#38096 Hermann G¶ring

I have always been interested in family history. Chromosomes are funny things, aren't they? They may skip a generation and you can find children who resemble the grandfather, rather than either parent. Heredity is more important than environment. Blood will tell. For example, a man is either musical by heredity or he is not. You can't make a man musical by the environment. You can find a person who is very musically inclined and be puzzled because neither parents nor grandparents had any ear for music. But if you trace it back, you will find that the great-grandfather was a musician. But the environment plays a great part in the development of a man. It is significant whether a man is brought up in the city or in the country, near a lake or on the shores of the ocean. .

Hermann G¶ring Quotes about funny
#38152 Sex

There are two kinds of sex, classical and baroque. Classical sex is romantic, profound, serious, emotional, moral, mysterious, spontaneous, abandoned, focused on a particular person, and stereotypically feminine. Baroque sex is pop, playful, funny, experimental, conscious, deliberate, amoral, anonymous, focused on sensation for sensation's sake, and stereotypically masculine. The classical mentality taken to an extreme is sentimental and finally puritanical; the baroque mentality taken to an extreme is pornographic and finally obscene. Ideally, a sexual relation ought to create a satisfying tension between the two modes (a baroque idea, particularly if the tension is ironic) or else blend them so well that the distinction disappears (a classical aspiration). .

Sex Quotes about funny
#39449 Wesley Clark

... they said, "Sir, we want to tell you a joke." I said, "You don't have time to tell me a joke." They said, "Oh, you gotta hear this one." So I came in, they shut the door, and they said, "Here's"— I said, "What's the joke?" I said, "What's the joke?" They said, "9/11. Saddam Hussein. If he didn't do it, too bad. He should've! Because we're gonna get him anyway." I said, "But that's not funny." I said, "That's not very funny." They said, "It sure isn't." .

Wesley Clark Quotes about funny
#41042 Composer

And when the music goes te-toot, The monkey acts so funny That we all hurry up and scoot To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began Children danced and children ran When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man. .

Composer Quotes about funny
#41706 Jack Kerouac

One night I realized that when you give people understanding and encouragement a funny little meek childish look abashes their eyes, no matter what they've been doing they weren't sure it was right — lambies all over the world. .

Jack Kerouac Quotes about funny
#42371 Baldur's Gate series

Marl: Oh you think it's funny do you?! You mess up the local economy with your treasure, you upset the balance of nature, you flash your magic around, and because of it maybe somebody's son thinks it's fun and goes out and gets himself killed! It's a bad example and somebody ought to kick your ass for it! Protagonist: Don't get mad at me if "somebody's son" couldn't handle being out from under mom's skirt! Should've taught him to fight instead of dirt-farming! .

Baldur's Gate series Quotes about funny
#42741 The Books of Magic

Zatanna: Speak english, can't you? John Constantine: I speak perfect english. So does Tim. It's you that's got the funny accent. .

The Books of Magic Quotes about funny
#43060 Ellen DeGeneres

You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful. .

Ellen DeGeneres Quotes about funny
#43128 Stephen King

And then a funny thing happened to me...except when I think about it, it wasn't very funny at all. There must be a line in all of us, a very clear one, just like the line that divides the light side of a planet from the dark. I think they call that line the terminator. That's a very good word for it. Because at that moment I was freaking out, and at the next I was as cool as a cucumber. .

Stephen King Quotes about funny
#43739 J. D. Salinger

It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to. .

J. D. Salinger Quotes about funny
#44358 Richard Stallman

It is funny, but I’m disappointed that it accentuates the shallow. .

Richard Stallman Quotes about funny
#45489 L. Frank Baum

It was Toto that made Dorothy laugh, and saved her from growing as gray as her other surroundings. Toto was not gray; he was a little black dog, with long silky hair and small black eyes that twinkled merrily on either side of his funny, wee nose. .

L. Frank Baum Quotes about funny
#45552 Chuck Palahniuk

The journalist researches a story. The novelist imagines it. What’s funny is, you’d be amazed at the amount of time a novelist has to spend with people in order to create this single lonely voice. This seemingly isolated world. It’s hard to call any of my novels “fiction.” .

Chuck Palahniuk Quotes about funny
#45580 Monty Python's Flying Circus

[to a man whose wife has been eaten alive by a blancmange] Detective Inspector: I think what's happened is terribly, terribly funny... er, tragic! .

Monty Python's Flying Circus Quotes about funny
#47418 Peter Ustinov

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. .

Peter Ustinov Quotes about funny
#48027 Richard Brautigan

if a girl likes me a lot and starts getting real nervous and suddenly begins asking me funny questions and looks sad if I give the wrong answers and she says things like, "Do you think it's going to rain?" and I say, "It beats me," and she says, "Oh," and looks a little sad at the clear blue California sky, I think: Thank God, it's you, baby, this time   Instead of me. .

Richard Brautigan Quotes about funny
#49031 Red Dwarf

Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins. Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted! Rimmer: That's a total lie. Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me. Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept. Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish! .

Red Dwarf Quotes about funny

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