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Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so irritating.
Bill Gates funny
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell funny
The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ’Oh no, it’s on the house.’
richard branson funny
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
Ernest Hemingway funny
We thought being offered the[Member of the Order of the British Empire] was as funny as everybody else thought it was. Why? What for? We didn't believe it. It was a part we didn't want. We all met and agreed it was daft.
John Lennon funny
"For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality."
Madonna funny
Before, I guess, mum and dad were everything, but now, in my case, I had two new girls and all of a sudden they're completely dependent on you and there's a third generation. It's a funny shift all of a sudden. You have the babies, you have yourself and then you have your parents.
Roger Federer funny
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
Stephen Hawking funny
Its funny. Some people skinny dip, but I always go upstairs and put a suit on and then I jump in the lake.
George Clooney funny
And then a funny thing happened to me...except when I think about it, it wasn't very funny at all. There must be a line in all of us, a very clear one, just like the line that divides the light side of a planet from the dark. I think they call that line the terminator. That's a very good word for it. Because at that moment I was freaking out, and at the next I was as cool as a cucumber.
Stephen King funny
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw funny
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.
Will Rogers funny
A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House...
Adlai Stevenson funny
You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana are Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists.
Richard Nixon funny
Calvin: Look at how people are portrayed in the comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews, and bimbos! And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insidious social programming is this?? No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies! Calvin's Dad: Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin: And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats! p.158
Bill Watterson funny
andwere very good friends, drinking buddies. One day they attend a funeral. They're walking behind the hearse in a procession, and they're having a great time conversing with one another. They are completely engrossed when suddenly one asks the other, 'Say, don't you smell something funny?' They look up and they're walking behind a garbage truck! They'd lost the hearse in the middle of their enthusiastic conversation.
Henry Miller funny
There was a story that some EMI execs had come down to see you and you'd said something like: "Here's what I've been working on," and then produced some cakes from your oven. True? "No! I don't know where that came from. I thought that was quite funny actually. It presents me as this homely creature, which is all right, isn't it?"
Kate Bush funny
It is not funny that anything else should fall down, only that a man should fall down ... Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.
G. K. Chesterton funny
We spent Friday evening with our friends at the boarding-house, and our curiosity was gratified by the sight of their fellow-inmates, Mrs. Drew and Miss Hook, Mr. Wynne and Mr. Fitzhugh; the latter is brother to Mrs. Lance, and very much the gentleman. He has lived in that house more than twenty years, and poor man, is so totally deaf that they say he could not hear a cannon, were it fired close to him; having no cannon at hand to make the experiment, I took it for granted, and talked to him a little with my fingers, which was funny enough.
Jane Austen funny
Pinky: Egad! That cat ! Doesn't he, Mr. Pixie? Brain: Stop calling me Mr. Pixie! This isn't funny, it's sick!
Pinky and the Brain funny
Think of prototypes as a funny markup language--the interpretation is left up to the rendering engine.
Larry Wall funny
He knew that women appreciated neither irony nor sarcasm, but simple jokes and funny stories. He was amply provided with both.
W. Somerset Maugham funny
Purple Haze, all in my brain, lately things just don't seem the same, actin' funny, but I don't know why, 'scuse me while I kiss the sky.
Drugs funny
Hey, hey, , I wrote you a song, 'bout a funny ol' world that's a-comin' along
Bob Dylan funny
Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
Frank Zappa funny
What an astonishing thing ais. It's a flat object made from awith flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you.is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of . A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.
Carl Sagan funny
I never give my work to somebody else and say, "What do you think about that?" I just don't trust anybody. If I think it's funny, or if I think it's silly, I send it in anyway because I'm just trying to please myself. I never try to please a certain audience. I think that's disastrous. There's no way in the world you can anticipate what your reader is going to like or dislike.
Snoopy funny
The funny thing is, on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook.
The Shawshank Redemption funny
The actors can make up their dialogue. I'm bushed, and they're all funny, and the hell with it. Maybe I'll give them a premise to work off of, like "You're all in trouble" or "Wash has a thing". They could maybe light it too.
Joss Whedon funny
It's the fault of those physicists and that synchronicity theory, every particle being connected with every other; you can't fart without changing the balance in the universe. It makes living a funny joke with nobody around to laugh. I open a book and get a report on future events that even God would like to file and forget. And who am I? The wrong person; I can tell you that.
Philip K. Dick funny
Thomas: PHEW! What a funny smell! Can you smell a smell? Annie: I can't smell a smell. Thomas: A funny, musty sort of smell. Gordon: No one noticed it 'til you did. It must be yours. Narrator: Not long ago, he had fallen into a dirty ditch. Thomas enjoyed teasing him about it. Thomas: Annie, Clarabel, do you know what I think it is? It's ditch water!
Thomas and Friends funny
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
Quentin Crisp funny
I have always been interested in family history. Chromosomes are funny things, aren't they? They may skip a generation and you can find children who resemble the grandfather, rather than either parent. Heredity is more important than environment. Blood will tell. For example, a man is either musical by heredity or he is not. You can't make a man musical by the environment. You can find a person who is very musically inclined and be puzzled because neither parents nor grandparents had any ear for music. But if you trace it back, you will find that the great-grandfather was a musician. But the environment plays a great part in the development of a man. It is significant whether a man is brought up in the city or in the country, near a lake or on the shores of the ocean.
Hermann G¶ring funny
There are two kinds of sex, classical and baroque. Classical sex is romantic, profound, serious, emotional, moral, mysterious, spontaneous, abandoned, focused on a particular person, and stereotypically feminine. Baroque sex is pop, playful, funny, experimental, conscious, deliberate, amoral, anonymous, focused on sensation for sensation's sake, and stereotypically masculine. The classical mentality taken to an extreme is sentimental and finally puritanical; the baroque mentality taken to an extreme is pornographic and finally obscene. Ideally, a sexual relation ought to create a satisfying tension between the two modes (a baroque idea, particularly if the tension is ironic) or else blend them so well that the distinction disappears (a classical aspiration).
Sex funny
... they said, "Sir, we want to tell you a joke." I said, "You don't have time to tell me a joke." They said, "Oh, you gotta hear this one." So I came in, they shut the door, and they said, "Here's"— I said, "What's the joke?" I said, "What's the joke?" They said, "9/11. Saddam Hussein. If he didn't do it, too bad. He should've! Because we're gonna get him anyway." I said, "But that's not funny." I said, "That's not very funny." They said, "It sure isn't."
Wesley Clark funny
And when the music goes te-toot, The monkey acts so funny That we all hurry up and scoot To get some monkey-money. M-double-unk for the monkey, M-double-an for the man; M-double unky, hunky monkey, Hunkey monkey-man. Ever since the world began Children danced and children ran When they heard the monkey-man, The m-double-unky man.
Composer funny
One night I realized that when you give people understanding and encouragement a funny little meek childish look abashes their eyes, no matter what they've been doing they weren't sure it was right — lambies all over the world.
Jack Kerouac funny
Marl: Oh you think it's funny do you?! You mess up the local economy with your treasure, you upset the balance of nature, you flash your magic around, and because of it maybe somebody's son thinks it's fun and goes out and gets himself killed! It's a bad example and somebody ought to kick your ass for it! Protagonist: Don't get mad at me if "somebody's son" couldn't handle being out from under mom's skirt! Should've taught him to fight instead of dirt-farming!
Baldur's Gate series funny
Zatanna: Speak english, can't you? John Constantine: I speak perfect english. So does Tim. It's you that's got the funny accent.
The Books of Magic funny
You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.
Ellen DeGeneres funny
It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
J. D. Salinger funny
It is funny, but I’m disappointed that it accentuates the shallow.
Richard Stallman funny
It was Toto that made Dorothy laugh, and saved her from growing as gray as her other surroundings. Toto was not gray; he was a little black dog, with long silky hair and small black eyes that twinkled merrily on either side of his funny, wee nose.
L. Frank Baum funny
The journalist researches a story. The novelist imagines it. What’s funny is, you’d be amazed at the amount of time a novelist has to spend with people in order to create this single lonely voice. This seemingly isolated world. It’s hard to call any of my novels “fiction.”
Chuck Palahniuk funny
[to a man whose wife has been eaten alive by a blancmange] Detective Inspector: I think what's happened is terribly, terribly funny... er, tragic!
Monty Python's Flying Circus funny
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Peter Ustinov funny
if a girl likes me a lot and starts getting real nervous and suddenly begins asking me funny questions and looks sad if I give the wrong answers and she says things like, "Do you think it's going to rain?" and I say, "It beats me," and she says, "Oh," and looks a little sad at the clear blue California sky, I think: Thank God, it's you, baby, this time   Instead of me.
Richard Brautigan funny
Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins. Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted! Rimmer: That's a total lie. Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me. Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept. Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!
Red Dwarf funny
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
Isaac Asimov funny
I think the most important thing journalism taught me is to mine for details. The details are key. You can't try to be funny or strange or poignant; you have to let the details be funny or strange or poignant for you.
Karen Abbott funny
I like kissing people because it's funny.
Casey Abrams funny
It's funny being the big news every day - and the good news every day.
Charlie Adam funny
When I was younger, my sister thought it was funny to pretend to punch me in the face because my mom was concerned about my teeth falling out. They were loose for a long time, and she knocked out my teeth.
Amy Adams funny
It's funny, as a little kid, you look up to those guys who you play as in 'Madden,' and now to see myself in the game, it's an honor.
Gaines Adams funny
The last person they expected to connect with a screenplay was the comedic, blonde actress with the funny voice.
Joey Lauren Adams funny
It's funny because a lot of people that know me as a dancer, don't know that I'm a singer, and a lot of people that know I can sing don't know I can dance. And so, I feel like at some point I have to show them both and really be able to display it and showcase it, and put that out there.
Naima Adedapo funny
I try to play serious scenes a little funny and the comedy a little serious.
Uzo Aduba funny
The funny thing is that my husband couldn't be sweeter. He looks like this bad boy. He's got tattoos and earrings and a mohawk, but when you talk to him and he's around you, he's such a gentleman. He holds doors for ladies. He pulls out chairs. He cooks. He cleans.
Malin Akerman funny
It's a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children.
Alan Alda funny
I'm always more motivated by the pain of a funny character than by what makes him funny.
Jason Alexander funny
I have deep comedic roots, and I want to be funny.
Khandi Alexander funny
If I could play any role in any musical, it would be Desiree in 'A Little Night Music' - Oh my, it is perfection. The character gets to be funny, beautiful, sexy and smart all at the same time and have two men fighting over her. The show is Stephen Sondheim at his absolute best... need I say more?
Nancy Allen funny
But it's funny that now I'm in such a happy situation, I look more objectively at my own past and see what others have seen for a long time and I'm just so glad I've been able to get to this point.
Rick Allen funny
It's funny because when I got 'Jarhead' and 'Avatar' and all those movies, 'Leprechaun' still to this day airs on BET. I was thinking, 'Will they just let it go? I finally have a body of work that can speak much better to what I can do than just Leprechaun.'
Laz Alonso funny
A good horror movie - it doesn't matter how many comedy horror films there have been before. Doesn't matter how much you think it's going to be funny. A good horror movie will scare the hell out of you... the moment you sit down and you start being exposed to that story, it's going to freeze your blood.
Fede Alvarez funny
Cannes is a circus, so you have to have fun with it. Everything suddenly becomes funny. And the promotion of a movie - that's where you really need to be a good actor. You need to make journalists believe that what you're saying is just for them and you've never said it before, even when you're talking about the same film over and over again.
Mathieu Amalric funny
My girlfriend doesn't think I'm funny at all.
Robbie Amell funny
I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.
Anthony Anderson funny
It's so funny that people specify that year because in a way it was the biggest battle for me health wise.
Brady Anderson funny
It's so funny, because right now I'm very tired and my brains a little dead, I tend to get very focused and serious. So, I'm probably coming off a lot more like Scully right now.
Gillian Anderson funny
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.
Louie Anderson funny
My career only took off because of one football game. I thought it was funny. 'Playboy' called and offered me a cover just like that. I turned them down initially, because I was nervous about it and my boyfriend at the time didn't want me to do it, but they kept coming back , so I eventually said yes.
Pamela Anderson funny
I guess when I think about it, one of the things I like to dramatise, and what is sometimes funny, is someone coming unglued. I don't consider myself someone who is making the argument that I support these choices. I just think it can be funny.
Wes Anderson funny
Her friends say she is very funny. At a family dinner, she stood to go, and the footman very properly pulled her chair away. At that moment I asked her a question and she sat down again, except there was no chair. Everyone, including the Queen, laughed and laughed.
Prince Andrew funny
It's so funny looking back, but my so-called overnight success actually took 15 years. I remember when I didn't have any money, and my only car was mom's Hyundai.
Criss Angel funny
Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day.
Jennifer Aniston funny
The funny thing is I'm not bothered or sad about being on my own - after all I've never had a husband.
Francesca Annis funny
It's funny - my wife is more jealous of my books than of other women because I'm always working and thinking about my books.
Antonio Lobo Antunes funny
To me, I've never understood why there is any question about are women as funny as men.
Judd Apatow funny
I like cartoons. I like 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.' It's funny! It has things that kids wouldn't get. It's like, if you're mature, you get it. I like that and 'The Fairly OddParents.'
David Archuleta funny
I like smart, funny, self-deprecating men.
Jules Asner funny
Right now my favorite TV show - because it's too close to home - is 'My Name Is Earl.' That show kills me. There's some funny stuff in there.
Rodney Atkins funny
I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I'm not particularly intellectual or clever or minority-focused in my creative instincts. And I'm certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions.
Rowan Atkinson funny
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Dave Attell funny
I'm not the type of guy who's funny in the room. I'm the guy who's funny late at night on a computer, trying to construct jokes.
Scott Aukerman funny
The funny thing is that I feel close to all my characters. Deep, deep inside them all.
Paul Auster funny
Let's make some funny pictures.
Tex Avery funny
A lot of comedies are based on the reaction shot. You have one person doing something stupid and one person is generally the straight man, and the laughs generally come on the reaction of the straight man to the funny thing the other person has done.
Richard Ayoade funny
Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of silly or wacky persona that I try to fill in.
Hank Azaria funny
I am not gonna say that a guy's looks make him have to try harder in any way. I don't believe that at all. I think if he is funny, smart and cool, he's all set. Looks are not very important to me.
Valerie Azlynn funny
I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
Lucille Ball funny
I would do it today because the thing that appealed to me was not necessarily the mechanics of the robot, but it was his personality and how funny and charming he was.
John Badham funny
If possible, be funny.
Blake Bailey funny
I did not see myself as a leading lady. I thought I was really funny-looking and I would never be the lead, and I certainly would never do film or television. I wanted to do theater. I wanted to be the grand dame of the American stage.
Kathy Baker funny
Wikipedia is just an incredible thing. It is fact-encirclingly huge, and it is idiosyncratic, careful, messy, funny, shocking and full of simmering controversies - and it is free, and it is fast.
Nicholson Baker funny
It's a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain.
Rick Baker funny
I can play a cat lady. I can't put my foot down and refuse to play anything but playing the perfect, well-adjusted woman, because those people aren't as fun or funny.
Sarah Baker funny
It's funny, in literature no one ever goes to the lavatory.
Tom Baker funny
That word 'funny' always makes me feel uncomfortable. Because if I were trying to be funny, I would be something like Bill Wegman - he really tries to be funny. I don't try to be funny. It's just that I feel the world is a little bit absurd and off-kilter, and I'm sort of reporting.
John Baldessari funny
The one thing that disturbs me about Alec is that people don't realize that he's really funny.
Daniel Baldwin funny
The 10 best funny quotes
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