funny quotes

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quotes from George Bernard Shaw George Bernard Shaw quotes

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

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quotes from Bill Gates Bill Gates quotes

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so irritating.

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quotes from Will Rogers Will Rogers quotes

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.

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quotes from Will Rogers Will Rogers quotes

The thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.

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quotes from Will Rogers Will Rogers quotes

So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, "I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record." Taking a dig at me, see? They didn't want any outside fellow contributing. Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I'm an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody. You can say they're not funny or they're terrible or they're good or whatever it is, but they don't do no harm. But with Congress — every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.

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quotes from Adlai Stevenson Adlai Stevenson quotes

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the White House...

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quotes from Adlai Stevenson Adlai Stevenson quotes

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

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quotes from Richard Nixon Richard Nixon quotes

You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana are Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists.

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quotes from Bill Watterson Bill Watterson quotes

Calvin: Look at how people are portrayed in the comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners, nagging shrews, and bimbos! And the men are no better. They're befuddled morons, heavy drinkers, gluttons, and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent, unappreciated, and unsuccessful! What kind of insidious social programming is this?? No wonder the world's such a mess! I demand politically correct, morally uplifting role models in the funnies! Calvin's Dad: Yes, we all know how funny good role models are. Calvin: And look, all the kids are obnoxious brats! p.158

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quotes from John Lennon John Lennon quotes

We thought being offered the[Member of the Order of the British Empire] was as funny as everybody else thought it was. Why? What for? We didn't believe it. It was a part we didn't want. We all met and agreed it was daft.

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quotes from John Lennon John Lennon quotes

I don't mind people putting us down, because if everybody really liked us, it would be a bore. You've got to have people putting you down. It doesn't give any edge to it if everybody just falls flat on their face saying, "You're great." We enjoy some of the criticisms as well, they're quite funny; some of the clever criticisms, not the ones that don't know anything, but some of the clever ones are quite fun.

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quotes from Henry Miller Henry Miller quotes

andwere very good friends, drinking buddies. One day they attend a funeral. They're walking behind the hearse in a procession, and they're having a great time conversing with one another. They are completely engrossed when suddenly one asks the other, 'Say, don't you smell something funny?' They look up and they're walking behind a garbage truck! They'd lost the hearse in the middle of their enthusiastic conversation.

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quotes from Kate Bush Kate Bush quotes

There was a story that some EMI execs had come down to see you and you'd said something like: "Here's what I've been working on," and then produced some cakes from your oven. True? "No! I don't know where that came from. I thought that was quite funny actually. It presents me as this homely creature, which is all right, isn't it?"

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quotes from G. K. Chesterton G. K. Chesterton quotes

It is not funny that anything else should fall down, only that a man should fall down ... Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

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quotes from Jane Austen Jane Austen quotes

We spent Friday evening with our friends at the boarding-house, and our curiosity was gratified by the sight of their fellow-inmates, Mrs. Drew and Miss Hook, Mr. Wynne and Mr. Fitzhugh; the latter is brother to Mrs. Lance, and very much the gentleman. He has lived in that house more than twenty years, and poor man, is so totally deaf that they say he could not hear a cannon, were it fired close to him; having no cannon at hand to make the experiment, I took it for granted, and talked to him a little with my fingers, which was funny enough.

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quotes from Ernest Hemingway Ernest Hemingway quotes

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

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quotes from Pinky and the Brain Pinky and the Brain quotes

Pinky: Egad! That cat ! Doesn't he, Mr. Pixie? Brain: Stop calling me Mr. Pixie! This isn't funny, it's sick!

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quotes from Larry Wall Larry Wall quotes

Think of prototypes as a funny markup language--the interpretation is left up to the rendering engine.

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quotes from W. Somerset Maugham W. Somerset Maugham quotes

He knew that women appreciated neither irony nor sarcasm, but simple jokes and funny stories. He was amply provided with both.

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quotes from Drugs Drugs quotes

Purple Haze, all in my brain, lately things just don't seem the same, actin' funny, but I don't know why, 'scuse me while I kiss the sky.

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quotes from Bob Dylan Bob Dylan quotes

Hey, hey, , I wrote you a song, 'bout a funny ol' world that's a-comin' along

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quotes from Frank Zappa Frank Zappa quotes

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.

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quotes from Carl Sagan Carl Sagan quotes

What an astonishing thing ais. It's a flat object made from awith flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you're inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you.is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of . A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.

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quotes from Stephen Hawking Stephen Hawking quotes

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

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quotes from Snoopy Snoopy quotes

I never give my work to somebody else and say, "What do you think about that?" I just don't trust anybody. If I think it's funny, or if I think it's silly, I send it in anyway because I'm just trying to please myself. I never try to please a certain audience. I think that's disastrous. There's no way in the world you can anticipate what your reader is going to like or dislike.

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quotes from The Shawshank Redemption The Shawshank Redemption quotes

The funny thing is, on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook.

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quotes from Joss Whedon Joss Whedon quotes

The actors can make up their dialogue. I'm bushed, and they're all funny, and the hell with it. Maybe I'll give them a premise to work off of, like "You're all in trouble" or "Wash has a thing". They could maybe light it too.

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quotes from Philip K. Dick Philip K. Dick quotes

It's the fault of those physicists and that synchronicity theory, every particle being connected with every other; you can't fart without changing the balance in the universe. It makes living a funny joke with nobody around to laugh. I open a book and get a report on future events that even God would like to file and forget. And who am I? The wrong person; I can tell you that.

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quotes from Philip K. Dick Philip K. Dick quotes

Mental illness is not funny.

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quotes from Madonna Madonna quotes

"For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality."

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