Comedian quotes

#8056 George Carlin

George Carlin, 1969. .

George Carlin
#8058 George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow. O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain .

George Carlin Quotes about you
#8059 George Carlin

for strip-mined mountains' majesty, above the asphalt plain America, America, man sheds his waste on thee and hides the pines, with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. .

George Carlin Quotes about man
#8062 George Carlin

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder. .

George Carlin Quotes about war
#8063 George Carlin

Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. .

George Carlin Quotes about read
#8064 George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me! .

George Carlin Quotes about man
#8065 George Carlin

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. .

George Carlin Quotes about money
#8067 George Carlin

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass". .

George Carlin Quotes about pain
#8068 George Carlin

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste. .

George Carlin Quotes about food
#8071 George Carlin

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. .

George Carlin Quotes about man
#8072 George Carlin

Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd. .

George Carlin Quotes about man
#8073 George Carlin

Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!" .

George Carlin Quotes about people
#8074 George Carlin

Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!" .

George Carlin Quotes about people
#8075 George Carlin

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. .

George Carlin Quotes about art
#8077 George Carlin

And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to . And I'd say "Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock." And she'd say "Well, I don'tat all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!" .

George Carlin Quotes about work
#8079 George Carlin

For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. .

George Carlin Quotes about belief
#8080 George Carlin

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. .

George Carlin Quotes about people
#8082 George Carlin

Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back--or I'm shittin' in the well! .

George Carlin Quotes about time
#8083 George Carlin

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. .

George Carlin Quotes about history
#8084 George Carlin

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one — civil war. D'you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me...*machinegun sounds*...I'm awfully sorry! Awfully sorry." Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years. But...not so you'd really notice it. Because you see we have these people called "Civil War buffs"...in fact some of these people actually get dressed up once a year and then go out and re-fight these battles. D'you know what I say to these people? USE LIVE AMMUNITION ASSHOLES, WOULD YA PLEASE?! .

George Carlin Quotes about love
#8086 George Carlin

Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. .

George Carlin Quotes about men
#8087 George Carlin

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in. .

George Carlin Quotes about men
#8088 George Carlin

Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're...sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn't say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; "Here's something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; here's something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; here's something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 o'clock when the bells ring." Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying. .

George Carlin Quotes about religion
#8089 George Carlin

Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units.killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? .

George Carlin Quotes about freedom
#8094 George Carlin

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are! We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away. .

George Carlin Quotes about you
#8096 George Carlin

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people. .

George Carlin Quotes about people
#8100 George Carlin

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles." .

George Carlin Quotes about men
#8103 George Carlin

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time... But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit! .

George Carlin Quotes about love
#8104 George Carlin

I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?... .

George Carlin Quotes about god
#8107 George Carlin

Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: .

George Carlin
#8108 George Carlin

If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile." .

George Carlin Quotes about love
#8111 George Carlin

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. .

George Carlin Quotes about man
#8112 George Carlin

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient. .

George Carlin Quotes about read
#8117 George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired. .

George Carlin Quotes about you
#8118 George Carlin

This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?" .

George Carlin Quotes about death
#8119 George Carlin

I call himbecause that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore. .

George Carlin Quotes about library
#92735 George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. .

George Carlin Quotes about dark
#92736 George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. .

George Carlin Quotes about night
#92737 George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. .

George Carlin Quotes about time
#92738 George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. .

George Carlin Quotes about soul
#92739 George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. .

George Carlin Quotes about person
#92740 George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? .

George Carlin Quotes about man
#92741 George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning. .

George Carlin Quotes about light
#92742 George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. .

George Carlin Quotes about you
#92743 George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. .

George Carlin
#92744 George Carlin

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? .

George Carlin Quotes about language
#92745 George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. .

George Carlin Quotes about evil
#92746 George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. .

George Carlin Quotes about time
#92747 George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. .

George Carlin Quotes about people
#92748 George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. .

George Carlin Quotes about people
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