George Carlin (Comedian)

for strip-mined mountains' majesty, above the asphalt plain America, America, man sheds his waste on thee and hides the pines, with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

— George Carlin man

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

— George Carlin war

Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.

— George Carlin read

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!

— George Carlin man

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

— George Carlin money

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass".

— George Carlin pain

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

— George Carlin food

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

— George Carlin man

Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.

— George Carlin man

Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!"

— George Carlin people

Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"

— George Carlin people

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

— George Carlin art

And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to . And I'd say "Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock." And she'd say "Well, I don'tat all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!"

— George Carlin work

For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.

— George Carlin belief

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

— George Carlin people

Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back--or I'm shittin' in the well!

— George Carlin time

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

— George Carlin history

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one — civil war. D'you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me...*machinegun sounds*...I'm awfully sorry! Awfully sorry." Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years. But...not so you'd really notice it. Because you see we have these people called "Civil War buffs"...in fact some of these people actually get dressed up once a year and then go out and re-fight these battles. D'you know what I say to these people? USE LIVE AMMUNITION ASSHOLES, WOULD YA PLEASE?!

— George Carlin love

Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.

— George Carlin men

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.

— George Carlin men

Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're...sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn't say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; "Here's something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; here's something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; here's something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 o'clock when the bells ring." Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying.

— George Carlin religion

Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units.killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?

— George Carlin freedom

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are! We're going away. Pack your shit, folks. We're going away.

— George Carlin you

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people.

— George Carlin people

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."

— George Carlin men

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time... But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

— George Carlin love

I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?...

— George Carlin god

Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see:

— George Carlin

If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. "Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile."

— George Carlin love

I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.

— George Carlin man

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.

— George Carlin read

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.

— George Carlin you

This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"

— George Carlin death

I call himbecause that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

— George Carlin library

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

— George Carlin dark

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

— George Carlin night

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

— George Carlin time

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

— George Carlin soul

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

— George Carlin person

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

— George Carlin man

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

— George Carlin light

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

— George Carlin you

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

— George Carlin

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

— George Carlin language

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

— George Carlin evil

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

— George Carlin time

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

— George Carlin people

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

— George Carlin people

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

— George Carlin people

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

— George Carlin wonder

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

— George Carlin universe

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

— George Carlin you

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

— George Carlin books

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

— George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

— George Carlin freedom

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

— George Carlin you

The status quo sucks.

— George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

— George Carlin feeling

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

— George Carlin

I have as much authority as the pope, I just don’t have as many people that believe it.

— George Carlin people

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