Emo Philips
#7743 Emo Philips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
#7745 Emo Philips
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
#7746 Emo Philips
I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...
#7747 Emo Philips
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
#7748 Emo Philips
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
#7749 Emo Philips
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
#7750 Emo Philips
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
#7751 Emo Philips
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
#7752 Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
#7753 Emo Philips
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
#7754 Emo Philips
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
#7755 Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
#7756 Emo Philips
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
#7759 Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
#7760 Emo Philips
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
#7761 Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
#7762 Emo Philips
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."
#7763 Emo Philips
Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
#7765 Emo Philips
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
#7766 Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
#7767 Emo Philips
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
#7768 Emo Philips
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
#7769 Emo Philips
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
#7770 Emo Philips
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
#7771 Emo Philips
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
#7772 Emo Philips
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
#7773 Emo Philips
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
#7774 Emo Philips
I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that. People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
#199462 Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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