Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. ➡

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill. ➡

I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind... ➡

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!" ➡

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. ➡

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ➡

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. ➡

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. ➡

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.. ➡

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets... ➡

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. ➡

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. ➡

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi! ➡

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" ➡

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day. ➡

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse." ➡

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" ➡

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference." ➡

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy. ➡

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball. ➡

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. ➡

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. ➡

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading. ➡

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" ➡

I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." ➡

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. ➡

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..." ➡

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint. ➡

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster. ➡

I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that. People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by. ➡

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ➡