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Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips morning
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips time
I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...
Emo Philips art
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
Emo Philips words
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips people
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips thought
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips wonder
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
Emo Philips people
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
Emo Philips strange
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
Emo Philips parents
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Emo Philips family
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips hate
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
Emo Philips art
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
Emo Philips love
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
Emo Philips you
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Emo Philips people
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference."
Emo Philips men
Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips hell
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips evil
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips beautiful
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips girls
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
Emo Philips reading
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
Emo Philips man
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips time
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Emo Philips work
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
Emo Philips wonder
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips cat
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips believe
I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that. People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
Emo Philips hate
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

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