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M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983

Father Mulcahy: [Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible] Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.Hawkeye: If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 bible
[to Margaret]Hawkeye: Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you
Hawkeye: War isnt Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 war
PA System: Due To circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 control
Frank Burns: This is the last straw!Hawkeye: Remind me to order more straws.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 mind
Henry Blake: Will you stop saying what Im thinking?Radar: One of us has to.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 thinking
Radar: [takes a drink of Hawkeyes home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.B.J.: No. Its supposed to make you feel nothing.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 home
Dr. Sidney Freedman: [to Klinger] Youre a tribute to mans endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 hope
[about Hawkeye and BJ]Col. Potter: Please excuse these two, theyre themselves today.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 day
Frank Burns: Its nice to be nice... to the nice.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983
Radar: My own father didnt have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 time
Frank Burns: The men hate me, dont they?Radar: Just your guts, sir.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 men
Frank Burns: Thats not my department, sir - intelligence is something I try to avoid.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 intelligence
[PA Announcement after 3 weeks without wounded]PA System: Attention all personnel . Due to a lack of casualties, todays midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 men
Charles: Klinger, you are a gentleman and a lady.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 man
Frank Burns: I know Im a real asset.Hawkeye: Youre only off by two letters.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you
Hawkeye: Im too frightened to be scared.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 right
Father Mulcahy: Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.Col. Potter: Anybody hurt?Father Mulcahy: Well, the drivers a bit shaken-up, but hell be all right.Col. Potter: No-one else inside?Father Mulcahy: No.Col. Potter: Thank God.Father Mulcahy: I already did.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 god
Radar: [on the phone with the US] Whoa, did you know its yesterday there?Hawkeye: Well, its today here.B.J.: Its always today here.Hawkeye: Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?B.J.: Good point.Hawkeye: Ha, I wasnt born yesterday!
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 good
Henry Blake: Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?Radar: Oh, nobody does, sir.Henry Blake: Oh, fine then, if nobody does we dont have to, but make sure we do, just in case we dont.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 body
Dr. Sidney Freedman: I havent washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 man
Charles: [to a patient in cardiac arrest] Live! Thats an order!
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 live
Colonel Flagg: You think youre real smart. But youre not smart; youre dumb. Very dumb. But youve met your match in me.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 art
Frank Burns: Its the way these yellow devils think. Its burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They dont respect human life the way we do. Id like to take him out and shoot him.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 life
Hawkeye: Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 life
Hawkeye: Insanity is just a state of mind
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 mind
Frank Burns: Spontaneity has its time and its place.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 time
Margaret: Act like a man, you sniveling twerp!
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 man
[as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field]B.J.: Whats Frank up to?Hawkeye: I think hes vacuuming Korea. Eisenhowers coming; he wants everything just so.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 think
Frank Burns: Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.Margaret: Were lucky to be two of the few and not the many.Frank Burns: I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 love
Henry Blake: Youre always wrong, Frank. Thats whats so right about you.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you
Col. Potter: The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983
Radar: Sir, theres someone waiting to see you.Henry Blake: I was born with someone waiting to see me.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you
Frank Burns: Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform?Klinger: Its spring, sir.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you
Klinger: [Klinger enters Potters office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and Im homeward-bound!Col. Potter: Youre going to *eat* you way to a discharge?Klinger: I call it Food for Freedom!Col. Potter: I call it Suicide by Salami!Klinger: Ill take my chances!Col. Potter: Okay, when you cant get through that door, come see me.Klinger: Ill be wearing a size 30, sir.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 war
Colonel Flagg: I could kill you with one finger.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you
Father Mulcahy: [offering to go through the local black market, for needed medicines] Youd be surprised what a priest can get away with.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you
Hawkeye: Youre a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.
— M*A*S*H TV Series 1972–1983 you

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