National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation war

Where do you think youre going? Nobodys leaving. Nobodys walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. Were all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. Were gonna press on, and were gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, hes gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation family

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. Id like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right herewith a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Wheres the Tylenol?

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation life

Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, dont try this at home kids; I am a professional. Later dudes. Let er rip. Hang ten!

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation home

They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, Id piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation time

I dont know if I oughta go sailin down no hill with nothin between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation men

Clark, Id like to try to fumigate this here chair, its a good quality item. If you dont mind my askin, how much did she set you back?

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation mind

Hes cute aint he? Only problem is, hes got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in im. If the mood catches him right, hell grab your leg and just go to town. You dont want him around if youre wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, its best to just let im finish.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation war

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris! If youre not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies!

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation living

Directhxhdhjdhfjhdufjfjddjjxkcmcnkdjncjcbcncncncncjnbrhhtfjfhfhjjjjhfh g fjfifufied by Jeremiah S. Chechik and written by John Hughes.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

Clark: Uh huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldnt Oh hee hee, it wouldnt be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isnt it?

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation war

Clark: Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

Uncle Lewis: Great Scott, did the room clear out, Bethany? No way, she means presents. You shouldnt have brought presents.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation present

Ellen: Aunt Bethany, why dont you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation living

Ellen: Shes old. She and Uncle Louis dont have much money, so she takes things from around the house and gives them away as presents.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation money

Clark: Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldnt be more surprised than I am now.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation wit

Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation you

Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winters morn the clean, cool chill of the holiday air an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation winter

Clark: He oughta know its illegal. Thats a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation light

Eddie: Well, they replaced it with a plastic one cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, Id piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. And it aint real sturdy so I dont know if I oughta go sailin down no hill with nothin between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation time

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethanys 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation grace

Frances: Talk about spending your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation hope

Rusty: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation time

Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if youre not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation living

Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation christ

Clark: Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! Were at the threshold of Hell!!

— National Lampoons Christmas Vacation hell

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