Rodney Dangerfield

#318221 Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about night
#320298 Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about life
#325107 rodney dangerfield

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about cat
#325108 rodney dangerfield

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about sex
#325109 rodney dangerfield

Just remember: It’s lonely at the top, when there’s no one on the bottom. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about lonely
#325110 rodney dangerfield

I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about sleep
#325111 rodney dangerfield

You know you’re getting old; there are certain signs. I walked past a cemetery, and two guys ran after me with shovels. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about past
#325112 rodney dangerfield

My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about man
#325113 rodney dangerfield

I don’t get no respect. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about respect
#325114 rodney dangerfield

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I asked him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.” .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about man
#325115 rodney dangerfield

I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife. .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about art
#331483 Rodney Dangerfield

I was so poor growing up...If I wasnt born a boy..Id have nothing to play with. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about poor
#331533 Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me and said...Come on over theres nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home! .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about home
#332159 rodney dangerfield

when i was born the docter came into the waiting room and told my dad im sorry we did everything we could but he pulled through .

rodney dangerfield Quotes about waiting
#332167 Rodney Dangerfield

I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She toldme that she only liked me as a friend .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about mother
#332209 Rodney Dangerfield

If it werent for pickpockets Id have no sex life at all. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about life
#332712 Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about time
#332719 Rodney Dangerfield

I dont get no respect. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about respect
#332893 Rodney Dangerfield

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Im afraid to go to the bathroom. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about day
#332894 Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about hate
#333112 Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasnt met me yet .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about hate
#795485 Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about people
#795486 Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasnt met me yet .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about hate
#795487 Rodney Dangerfield

Im at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about sex
#795488 Rodney Dangerfield

One woman I was dating called and said, Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about man
#795489 Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks dont matter, age doesnt matter, money doesnt matter. But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man whos broke. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about love
#795490 Rodney Dangerfield

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about school
#795491 Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about parents
#795492 Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about marriage
#795493 Rodney Dangerfield

I was so poor growing up...if I wasnt a boy...Id have nothing to play with. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about poor
#795494 Rodney Dangerfield

I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about want
#795495 Rodney Dangerfield

Im so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big Id get .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about people
#795496 Rodney Dangerfield

Im so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about father
#795497 Rodney Dangerfield

Im at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, Ive just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about life
#795498 Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about time
#795499 Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about time
#795500 Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about good
#795501 Rodney Dangerfield

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about art
#795502 Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now shes afraid of the light. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about light
#795503 Rodney Dangerfield

My wifes jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about jealousy
#795504 Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about control
#795505 Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. .

Rodney Dangerfield
#795506 Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about running
#795507 Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about morning
#795508 Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - were doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about art
#795509 Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. .

Rodney Dangerfield
#795510 Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about wife
#795511 Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about cat
#795512 Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about mother
#795513 Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, well never see each other! .

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes about sex

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