Designing Women

Julia: Here is a quarter for the payphone, Mary Jo. Mother always used to give Suzanne and me a dime to call home in case somebody got too fresh. I dont think Suzanne ever used hers. She eventually used the money to go to Europe.

— Designing Women art

Charlene: Oh, Suzanne! I couldnt accept a plane ticket just because he feels guilty about moving away. I wouldnt have any integrity.

— Designing Women integrity

Suzanne: Yknow sometimes I think about stuff like that then I just try and put it right out of my mind.

— Designing Women time

Julia: Look, Mary Jo, all that Im saying is that Im not gonna pay one red cent on that ticket, and if I have to Ill take it all the way to the Supreme Court!

— Designing Women

Mary Jo: very dramatically Were on the way to the bank to make that deposit, right? But the car breaks down, so while theyre working on it, Julia decides that we should walk to the bank and make our drive-thru deposit on foot because the inside of the bank doesnt open until 10.

— Designing Women work

Mary Jo: So there we are standing in the drive-thru, and when we pull up--- so to speak — to the glass window, the guy refuses to accept our deposit because were not inside a vehicle.

— Designing Women win

Mary Jo: So Julia commandeers the back seat of the woman behind us and starts yelling for this woman to drive us through the drive-thru! and then the bank manager makes Julia get out of the womans car, and then the police come. Need I say more?

— Designing Women art

Julia: My defense is that when I attempted to use that drive-thru window, I was indeed inside a vehicle; the vessel in which I have chosen to go through life — my body!

— Designing Women life

Suzanne: Oh Julia, dont be ridiculous. No judge is gonna believe that! If youd gotten to choose you would have selected a much newer model.

— Designing Women believe

Charlene: sarcastically No. Possum! Daddy killed it, Mama stuffed it, then at the table wed all have a big food fight, then afterward wittle sticks and sit on the front porch pickin our teeth!

— Designing Women war

Perky: Oh, my darling. You should have come to me for advice, I could have told you cooking was not for you, you were born for much bigger things.

— Designing Women advice

Perky: Like when I used to take you to the park when you were about two years old, everybody used to come up and say oh what a beautiful little girl whatever will she be. And I used to stand very tall and say Why the center of attention, ocourse!

— Designing Women hate

Anthony: Dont worry about it. Its been a fine afternoon. Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks again for turning me in for murder.

— Designing Women happy

Dr. Mitchell: Yes, but I hope this wont take long. Im on the staff of three hospitals, and I still have rounds.

— Designing Women hope

Julia: Oh, I understand how very very busy you are, and Ill be brief. Ive come because Im a very close friend of Charlene Fraziers.

— Designing Women you

Julia: You see, Ive done a little checking on you, Dr. Mitchell, and Ive discovered that Charlene is not the first woman youve told to wait and see. You said the same thing to another close friend of mine, only at that time I didnt know that you were her physician. Well she trusted you. She waited four months before her breasts had become so misshapen she had to come back, but by then it was too late.

— Designing Women time

Dr. Mitchell: Mrs. Sugarbaker, I dont think I would care to discuss with you medical judgments which you know nothing about.

— Designing Women men

Julia: Medical jargon doesnt impress me. I was brought up in a medical family, and my grandfather always said 80% was common sense. Theres nothing mysterious about having a lump in your breast. Its simple, when you find one you have it x-rayed or biopsied. I know that. Most physicians know that. What I dont understand is, why dont you know that?

— Designing Women family

Julia: Not emotional, Doctor, Im just plain mad. Which is why Im filing charges against you with the state medical bureau and the AMA.

— Designing Women emotion

Dr. Mitchell: Well, if you want to make a fool of yourself, be my guest, but I can assure you youre in no way qualified to make these judgments. I think this meeting is over.

— Designing Women men

Julia: I think so too, but as for qualified, neither are you. You dont depend on medicine. Your weapon is intimidation. Youre a seemingly kind, benevolent authority figure who tells women to let you do their worrying for them. Well theres just one thing wrong with that, Dr. Mitchell; you dont have to do their dying!

— Designing Women women

Julia: I have no idea what youre talking about, but somehow I feel absolutely safe in saying the answer is no.

— Designing Women you

Mary Jo: Shes like those women you read about in the National Enquirer, you know the ones who dont know theyre pregnant. One day theyre just sitting around, sippin on a soda or something. And all of a sudden they look down and say, My stars, would you look at that. I just had a baby. Thats Charlene.

— Designing Women women

Charlene: Yknow, I dont know why more people cant raise their kids the way Andy Taylor did. I mean, Opie had to work for everything he got. Yknow when he did make a mistake or he wanted to do something stupid, Andy never just came right out and said no. Yknow like the time Opie wanted to move out when he was eleven to get his own place Andy helped him save his little allowance — which if I remember right at the time was 50 cents a week — and Andy put it in the bank. So instead of having a big fight about it, yknow, Opie is all the time thinking that someday hes gonna own this house, yknow — even though Andy knew full well what the property values were in Mayberry, and that at the rate of 50 cents a week youd be 82 before you could even afford the inside of an outhouse.

— Designing Women time

Yknow when you get right down to it, Andy tricked Opie. wish I hadnt started this — now Im upset!

— Designing Women art

Suzanne: Well, I know that, but she doesnt! Li Sings the first person whos ever loved me just for me.

— Designing Women love

Julia: I dont know what it is..exactly..that you do. I just know nobody else is doing it, or can do it, like you do. You giving away your pillow?

— Designing Women body

Julia: I think Grandma would like that. I remember when she made these for us. Roots and Wings. We sure got our share didnt we? Suzanne, Im going to say something pretty harsh, but Im saying it because I love you. Just once in your life, dont put yourself first.

— Designing Women love

Julia: No, youre not. Youre not thinking at all. You know, in your heart, that shes better off with this couple. If you love her, like you say you do, give her wings.

— Designing Women love

Suzanne: I just didnt expect to fall in love with her. I know, youre right. I know. Ok, Ill do it.

— Designing Women love

Suzanne: At Mardel Richardsons wedding — you know Mardel has a little weight problem, and she unfortunately chose a full white gown with a veil. Anyway, just as shes getting ready to go down the aisle, Julia leans over to me and says, Look, Suzanne, its not a bride, its a bride float.

— Designing Women you

Suzanne: You did so. And then when the attendants started down the aisle, she said, If they had any style at all, theyd ride her in.

— Designing Women art

Julia: I keep a list of people who touch my behind without permission. Some of them have died unnatural and untimely deaths.

— Designing Women death

Julia: All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, Say, Mama, sure would like to be your Daddy. Mmm Mmm got to have me some of that.

— Designing Women you

Bernice: I dont think this safe sex is what its cracked up to be. My husband and I werent that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed and I was usually asleep. I dont think you can get any safer than that.

— Designing Women sex

Suzanne: Oh, oh!! Ive got one this just makes me furious!! Yknow when men use Womens Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you oh, I just hate that!!! I dont care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!

— Designing Women women

Imogene: I heard the rumors, but I didnt actually believe it was true! Now I dont like to hurt anyones feelings, but if these boys hadnt been doing what they were doing, they wouldnt be getting whats coming to them now.

— Designing Women feelings

Kendall Dobbs: Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.

— Designing Women art

Imogene: Yes, and for a good reason you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as Im concerned this disease has one thing going for it its killing all the right people!

— Designing Women people

Julia: pulling her towards the door Because youre leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think youre exempt from getting it.

— Designing Women war

Imogene: Well, for your information, I am exempt. I havent lived like these people, and I dont care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is Gods punishment for what theyve done.

— Designing Women god

Julia: Imogene, get serious! Who do you think youre talking to? Ive known you for 27 years, and all I can say is if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time!and so would the rest of us!

— Designing Women god

Imogene: totally furious Well, you neednt look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!

— Designing Women life

Julia: Wonderful! Ill close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, hes making all As! In everything — including P.E!

— Designing Women wonder

Dash Goff: And when an affair was over, she left a man dazed, and wobbly, and squinty-eyed like some wrung-out old gas station dog — all spindly legs and dry heaves, sometimes trying to stand in the shadow of his former self, but mostly just staring disinterested into the hot delta sun. This is what is known in the South as being Belled.

— Designing Women time

Julia: But I would. I cant stand to think about him dying with strangers. Thats the way it happened with Hayden. sobbing They wouldnt let me be with him, and he was calling for me!

— Designing Women anger

Suzanne: Julia, listen to me. I know how you feel about that. Thats why I told the doctor that if at any time it looks like Reese isnt gonna make it, theyre to come out here and get you.

— Designing Women time

Charlene: to Mary Jo Its amazing, isnt it? Most of the time she goes around without the sense God gave a goose. Look at her. I mean, one crisis, and shes Scarlett OHara.

— Designing Women god

Julia: All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, Hey Sweet Meat. What it is. Mmm - mmm, strut it out. Bring it on home to me now. OK?

— Designing Women home

Suzanne: Well, you can count me out. Im not going on any singles cruise. And Im certainly not interested in putting up with a bunch of dorky men in bad toupees and polyester suits.

— Designing Women men

Julia: If you must know, I was praying, number one, that you all would let me go to sleep. Number two, that Im not seated next to Club Mel at breakfast. And number three, I was thanking God that I did not grow up with a mother who wore a leopard-skin headband, white see-through T-shirt and glued rhinestones to her fingernails.

— Designing Women god

Mary Jo: Its this stupid dress of Suzannes. This is so typical. Its just like her to hang this by my bed so it wont get wrinkled in the closet. As if Im so little it wont bother me. She does this kind of thing to me all the time.

— Designing Women time

Mary Jo: Actually, this fascinates me. These bra cups are huge. Its kinda like this is the corral where Suzanne keeps her bosom, and Im the hired hand who guards em while she takes em out on a midnight ride.

— Designing Women night

Mary Jo: Excuse me, but I dont like to have the back of my neck kissed before breakfast. Especially by somebody who is too dumb to appreciate a woman like Suzanne Sugarbaker. Just who do you think that youre talking about? This is no two-bit singles cruise barnacle. This is the Rolls Royce of females who happens to have more beauty titles than you have teeth. And let me tell you something else, I consider it an honor just to guard her brassiere and I am not even a man.

— Designing Women beauty

Suzanne: Well, all I have to say is, the next time Olivia May gets sick, you all can just invite somebody else to play cards. I dont like this game. I like simple games. You know, like the kind you play when youre little.

— Designing Women time

Charlene: I havent felt this bad since I was in high school and I developed this temporary allergy to domestic meat. My poor parents had to mail order hippopotamus steaks. Im not kidding, yknow. Until they finally figured out I could have stuff like squirrel and rabbit and coon, yknow. Sometimes they even fed me coon for breakfast

— Designing Women time

Julia: I think this illness has affected your brain. Or, Ive just never before noticed the extent of your unequalled ability to be fascinated at absolutely nothing.

— Designing Women you

Charlene: Yknow, Julia, I used to think that if I were a man Id be interested in you, but not anymore!!

— Designing Women man

Charlene: Oh, I was thinking this is the first Christmas ever I havent gone home. Then I was thinking how many men there are in my family named Virgil. I mean, I dont think weve ever gotten together on a holiday where there werent at least two or three Virgils — sometimes even a baby named Virgil. What were you thinking?

— Designing Women time

Suzanne: What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, ysee Consuelas entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays and uh this is their gift to me. Yknow, theyre very big in meat packing. Well, anyway I tried to board her with a private kennel — they wont take her, and Im sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?

— Designing Women family

Suzanne: Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I havent heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.

— Designing Women christ

Suzanne: No, not anymore. Hes in intensive care again. Hes always in intensive care and Im just sick of it.

— Designing Women care

Suzanne: Oh, hes just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, yknow, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly, isnt she? giggling I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.

— Designing Women self

Mary Jo: Im just a little upset because Quint doesnt believe in Santa Claus anymore. As a matter of fact he says hes gonna prove it once and for all — hes been up in his room working on all these traps.

— Designing Women work

Mary Jo: He says reindeers couldnt have the staying power, yknow, to go all the way around the world in one night. He wanted to know if Santa had some kinda deal with Federal Express.

— Designing Women power

Anthony: Yeah. My Uncle Willie. There wasnt enough money for presents, so he just came to me and told me that Santa Claus had been stabbed.

— Designing Women money

Anthony: Yeah, Uncle Willie didnt have a lot of couth. Anyway, I was pretty upset. The next year I wrote a letter to the elves. All I asked for was a baseball glove because, yknow, I figured they had there hands full with Santa gone and everything. But I guess Uncle Willie couldnt get it together that year either, because Christmas Eve he came into my room and told me that the elves had been killed in a sledding accident.

— Designing Women love

Julia: Weve been acting a little childish about things that didnt measure up to Christmases past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmases in the first place?

— Designing Women past

Charlene: Youre right. No matter how old I get, nothings ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing Silent Night. Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Yknow, Ive just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than thatexcept maybe heaven. Anthonyyoure crying.

— Designing Women reading

Anthony: I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.

— Designing Women stories

Julia: I know Im especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And Im grateful to Charlene for making that possibleand to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And Im grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesnt believe in Santa Claus. And Im also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!

— Designing Women believe

Charlene: For the past nine years Ive come to you with whatever problems, worries or grief Ive had in my life, and I really appreciate the way youve looked after me. But, I dont think I can do that anymore.

— Designing Women life

Charlene: Ive been up all night, and I just cant figure out how I can belong to a church that doesnt think I am fit to preach Gods word.

— Designing Women god

Charlene: Well, Ive never told anyone this before, but as a matter of fact I did. When I was about six or seven, I got my first Bible. It had my name embossed in gold across the front. My parents gave it to me the night I was baptised. Ill never forget it came with this beautiful cardboard bookmark that had Jesus with a pink halo painted on it. I dont know — there was something about the way the light shown in that picture — I couldnt take my eyes off of it. I thought, Boy, thats for me. I was gonna travel the world preaching and teaching — maybe even become a saint.

— Designing Women pain

Charlene: I dont know. I guess I figured I couldnt make saint. Anyway, my point is, I had that dream because no one told me I couldnt. But what about all those other little girls out there, hundreds of them, just waiting to become ministers and spend their lives preaching Gods word — except for the fact that you and a bunch of other people got together and decided that God doesnt want that. That just doesnt make any sense, Reverend Nunn. I mean, for what possible reason would God not want that?

— Designing Women god

Charlene: Im not. Im questioning yours. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything youve done for me. Ill never forget you.

— Designing Women you

Reverend Nunn: Charlene, I wish youd give this some more thought. Let me put you in touch with another minister. Maybe he can counsel you.

— Designing Women thought

Charlene: No. Thanks anyway. Ill be talking to someone, but I think Ill keep this one just between me and God. Dont look so surprised, after all, we have his number too.

— Designing Women god

Julia: Oh, I dont know — laryngitis, forgetting the words, getting my choir robe trapped up in my pantyhose — you name it, Ive thought of it.

— Designing Women words

Charlene: Yes, as a matter of fact there is. My minister, Reverend Nunn, is gonna be at the closing ceremony tonight, and for some reason I need to be proud of women tonight. I wanna hear you hit that high note.

— Designing Women women

Charlene: Yes you can. Julia, I know you can. Now what I just did took more courage than I ever thought I had, and it would be impossible for me to have more courage than you.

— Designing Women courage

Julia: Charlene, thats a nice idea, but just because you have faith in me doesnt mean Ill be able to do it.

— Designing Women faith

Charlene: Well, who said anything about having faith in you? Im just asking you to have the guts to step up to the microphone and open your mouth. I think I can get him to supply the notes.

— Designing Women faith

Julia: Reese Watson, you gotten so full of yourself up here, were gonna have to rent a flat-bed truck to get you home!

— Designing Women self

Suzanne: Yes. Julia and Charlene and Mary Jo would never tell you so, theyre too nice. But I can tell you because Im too much too.

— Designing Women you

Suzanne: I mean your smile is too big, your heart is too big, and quite frankly — your breasts are too big.

— Designing Women art

Suzanne: You know, that black guy with the bow tie. Where have you been, Charlene? I mean thats what were doing here.

— Designing Women you

Charlene: Suzanne, his name is not Wilson Pickett, its Wilson Brickett. Wilson Picketts a black singer.

— Designing Women sin

Charlene: How do you figure you were close, because theyre both black? You might as well have said Don King.

— Designing Women you

Charlene: Tiny Bubbles?! Suzanne, Don King does not sing Tiny Bubbles, thats Don Ho! to Julia She just does this to drive me insane. Its like were the Smothers brothers, and shes Tommy and Im Dick.

— Designing Women sin

Suzanne: Oh, I dont know, Mary Jo, its just Charlene. Shes in here raving about Tiny Bubbles and calling herself Dick.

— Designing Women self

Caller: Im a member of the National Rifle Association, and I support Commissioner Bricketts stand on every Americans inalienable right to bear arms. And Im not any red-necked deer hunter. Im a professional man whos simply interested in protecting his family.

— Designing Women family

Julia: Facts are: number 1: a seven day waiting period does not prohibit anyone from obtaining a gun, unless he or she happens to have a criminal record.

— Designing Women waiting

Brickett: Mrs. Sugarbaker, youre a smart gal and a pretty one too. When you go out at night alone, I bet you carry some kind of little handgun in your purse. How would you feel if you were robbed and raped during that seven day period while you waited for approval for that handgun?

— Designing Women art

Julia: Well, Commissioner, Id probably feel as badly as you would feel if you were molested and shot by someone whod just gotten out of prison and bought a gun on that very same day.

— Designing Women you

Caller: My children attend school here in Atlanta, and I do not appreciate Commissioner Bricketts lack of support for our extra curricular fine arts programs like dance and ballet.

— Designing Women art

Brickett: Listen. When the petticoat sports can attract a gate that pays for itself like basketball and football, then Ill get excited. Anyway, I think we should spend less time worrying about the screwball curriculums and get back to the basic three Rs.

— Designing Women time

Julia: Screwball curriculums?! Petticoat sports?! I bet you think Refrigerator Perry is a better athlete than Mikhail Baryshnikov! I mean, I dont know what kind of an ignoramus

— Designing Women you

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