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King of the Hill

Peggy Hill: Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, Im not gonna be waiting there to say I told you so.
— King of the Hill time
Peggy Hill: Leanne, whether you like the title or not you are this girls mother. She has been waiting her whole life for just a shred of attention from you. But you dont even know how to return a fraction of the love you get from your child or even from your man. I hope someday you can live without alcohol, but until that day we can all live very nicely without you.
— King of the Hill love
Peggy Hill: Well, theres one thing you didnt count on. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I dont! Ho-yeah! throws Leanne to the ground with her feet and kicks her, everyone else cheers
— King of the Hill you
Bill Dauterive: If she doesnt come back, that means she and I werent meant to be and if she does come back, well then then Ill call the police.
— King of the Hill
Witchard: Dont back-talk the boss man! Aint you ever cross the highway?! Run where there aint any cars!
— King of the Hill man
Unidentified feminist singer: I met a guy in my boxing class and I slept with him before I kicked his ass!
— King of the Hill sin
Buckley: Sir, theres no yelling in the propane department. Some of these gases are extremely valublilous.
— King of the Hill art
Boomhauer: Hey man, is this dang ol 911? Hey listen, theres a dang ol fire in here, and dang ol Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!
— King of the Hill art
Luanne: Good thing I dont have dangerous brain powers, or right now youd be in a thousand little pieces!
— King of the Hill power
Dale Gribble: Oh, I neednt, shouldnt I? And maybe I should not know that all Mega Lo Mart employees have a five thousand dollar insurance policy.
— King of the Hill art
Luanne Platter: reference a picture of Bobby, in his underwear, grabbing a cookie off the kitchen table while standing up to speak at Buckleys funeral This is what a starving Irish child looks like! Fight the occupation! Fight the Oc-cu-pa-tion!
— King of the Hill fight
Cotton Hill: Didis your Grandmom too, Bobby.. Your pretty Grandmom! Course, bad as Tilly was in the Kitchen, she was even worse in the Bedroom! Everyone is shocked, Tilly is especially mortified I Said. The Woman was lousy in the sack.
— King of the Hill man
Bill Dauterive: tapping glass with knife then getting up to propose a toast To the Stuffing! Might taste like Garbage, but it sure fills you up!
— King of the Hill age
Dale Gribble: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin bout yo, man.
— King of the Hill freedom
Hank Hill: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol boy aint right, man, talkin bout kick your ass, man.
— King of the Hill man
Boomhauer: speaking clearly For Gods sakes, Hank, act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and Ive been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.
— King of the Hill god
Heck Dorland: I got bad news, men. Chet Elderson died. Natural causes. Bill farts while his butt is hanging out the top of the fire pole Oh, for cryin out loud!
— King of the Hill art
Hank Hill: Bobby, I didnt think Id ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didnt. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
— King of the Hill you
Coach Sauers: You little pantywads think youre ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razorblades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers, with pumps, valves and lights on the back that can set off a seizure! But what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of pete! Take a salt tablet.
— King of the Hill love
Coach Sauers: Im gonna ride you guys so hard your gonna wish you were all dead! Im gonna chew ya up spit ya out take a big dump on top of that and then im gonna get tough! LETS ROLLLLLLL EM OUT!
— King of the Hill ya
Hank Hill: Boys, the Welton Wolves have already left their mark on this bridge. Now, what does a cougar do when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?
— King of the Hill read
Hank Hill: Soccer was invented by european housewives as a way to keep busy while their husbands did the cooking
— King of the Hill cooking
Dale: I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny.
— King of the Hill funny
Cotton Hill: Im an old man. Everybody already hates me. But Bobby is just a child; he has his whole life ahead of him.If I could take a bullet for my grandson, I would. Just not in the face; thats how I make my livings.
— King of the Hill life
Cotton Hill: Did I hurt your feelings, stinky? Well, get used to it! Cause thats what people are gonna call you when they find out about this?
— King of the Hill people
Hank Hill: Yeah, hes right. And theyll call him worse than that! Theyll call him arsonist! The boy who burned down the church!
— King of the Hill church
Dale: After a trampoline falls on his foot Aah! This is a sign that we have been playing God with Buckleys trampoline and now God is playing God with us, and Hes a whole lot better at it. I refuse to touch this portal to hell!
— King of the Hill god
Peggy: What? Luanne, you have wanted to go to beauty school since you were six. You have wanted to graduate beauty school since you were twelve. If you give up on school, honey, you are giving up on your dreams. Education is the sleeping pill that makes dreams happen. - Peggy Hill.
— King of the Hill education
Carl Moss: Give it a rest, Hank. All parents care about these days is zero-tolerance drug policies and literacy. Why cant Johnny read? Why cant Johnny read? God, that gets old.
— King of the Hill god
Hank: But Carl, shop is the foundation of all learning. And Ill tell you what, a youngster with a tool in both hands has no hands left to do drugs.
— King of the Hill learning
Hank: Using a saw for a weapon makes about as much sense as using a gun to cut a two-by-four. Thats how my dad built my treehouse how he cleaned it, too.
— King of the Hill sin
Hank: But that shouldnt stop you from pursuing your own dreams of wood, plywood, pressed fiberboard, and, if youve got the talent, metal! Ysee, shop doesnt have to happen in any special place - as long as its well lit, and the outlets are grounded. Because shop is bigger than any classroom, or garage, or stupid policy that makes tools illegal - its in our hearts.
— King of the Hill dreams
Hank Hill: Thats NOT his wife. Thats Debbie from work. Pretty girl like that should have been able to get a date.
— King of the Hill work
Hank Hill: The S stands for service. The T is for trust. Mr. Strickland and Debbie make out R is for reliability. doors are heard opening and closing Now the I, that stands for
— King of the Hill trust
Miz Liz: YOU ARE IN PUBLIC WITH THIS LITTLE BIMBOIN FRONT OF HALF OUR CHRISTMAS CARD LIST! notices Debbies earrings Are those my mothers earrings?!
— King of the Hill christ
Hank Hill: whispering to himself Oh, god! Debbies hippie roommate turned me in for smokin narcotics!
— King of the Hill god
Hank: Dang it. Could I get a light off yours? Huh, thats a funny looking cigarette. You roll it yourself?
— King of the Hill funny
Hank: You got a weak flame on this thing. Hank breathes it and coughs This isnt one of them clove cigarettes, is it?
— King of the Hill love
Luanne: Bobby, its perfectly natural to want to see a woman naked, but I am your cousin. Now, the first time was an accident, but if I catch you again, you are going to hell.
— King of the Hill time
Dale Gribble: Infiltration of mental hospital complete. Proceed to phase two; exfiltration of mental hospital.
— King of the Hill men
Dale Gribble: which is why so many people are suddenly allergic to peanuts. The peanuts are emitting toxins as an evolutionary defense mechanism. Theyre tired of being eaten, and now theyre fighting back.
— King of the Hill people
Dale Gribble: Anyhoo, I just stopped by to pick up my buddy Boomhauer. You see, were both in here by mistake. Now I cant vouch for Boomhauer, but I am most definitely not crazy.
— King of the Hill you
Bill: In a self-help class in a mental hospital Its just that in the alley, no one cares what I have to say, but here, I feel heard and accepted and dare I say loved?
— King of the Hill love
Dale: We gotta get out of here. The smoking breaks are too short, the food is good at best and the anti-depressants are making my mouth dry and happy.
— King of the Hill food
Dale: No. Hank must never know we were in here. Our society stigmatizes the mentally ill and rightfully so, these people are nuts!
— King of the Hill people
Hank: Hank realizes hes all alone and sighs. Then he sees Khan starting to build a fence. Hey Khan. I thought I heard someone mixing concrete.
— King of the Hill art
Khan: Oh, thats right. Im building fence. Big fence. Eight feet tall between your house and my house.
— King of the Hill you
Hank: Eight feet huh? Yeah, you see Khan, in this neighborhood, side fences have to be 56 or under. Its not in the code or anything, its just something Im trying to enforce.
— King of the Hill you
Khan: You really want to help me, Hank Hill? You keep your dirty little boys hands off my innocent genius daughter!
— King of the Hill you
Khan: The truth about your little boy not so pretty after all, is it, Hank Hill?! He girl-crazy sex-fiend!
— King of the Hill truth
Hank: Well, that boys gonna get a talking to, I tell ya what! Hank walks away and secretly laughs Whew.
— King of the Hill ya
Dale Gribble: The only thing your roommates ie: enemies will understand is fear ie: psychological warfare ie: dirty tricks. It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goats blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goats blood. Its a perfect plan.
— King of the Hill fear
Dale Gribble: Oh, well in that case stack the dishes in the shower. Thats the way Nancy gets me to do them.
— King of the Hill
Dale Gribble: Wait a minute. Every time I leave, you call John Redcorn. I know whats going on here. Your headaches are a desperate bid for my attention. But what do I do? I pawn you off on some Indian healer so I can have my Dale time at the gun club, or breeding show turtles, or on the Internet investigating unexplained phenomenonon. God, I am so selfish!
— King of the Hill god
Kahn Souphanousinphone: I use secret Asian watering technique! I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park.
— King of the Hill sin
Hank Hill: Well, I dont know. My toilets have given 15 years of dependable service. Im not one of those guys who turns 40 and runs out and buys fancy new toilets.
— King of the Hill service
Hank Hill:..But, unfortunately, in the real world, where things dont flush like they do in the movies
— King of the Hill world
Bureaucrat: There is no election. There has been a vacancy on the zoning board for the past three years. The seat is yours.
— King of the Hill past
Didi Hill: Sorry Im late; I had to take three buses to get here: one to get here, one to go back and get G.H., and one to get here.
— King of the Hill
Peggy: Rented snow machines, all these lights-- its like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
— King of the Hill jesus
Dale: Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dales is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.
— King of the Hill art
Dale: Into a tape recorder 11:16: Octavio speaks into tape recorder, thus leaving crucial evidence, stupid idiot! Octavio must be gotten rid of!
— King of the Hill
Hank Hill: The only woman Im pimping from now on is Sweet Lady Propane. And Im tricking her out all over this town.
— King of the Hill man
Hank Hill: I am the mack daddy of Heimlich County, I play it straight up, yo. You get the hell outta my hood!
— King of the Hill hell
Dale: Turbines! NOTE: He is in a air vent filled with roaches, he promptly rotates and kills several
— King of the Hill wit
Boomhauer: To Bobby Hey man, your daddy quotes me? Hey man, maybe well stay mad at Hank for just one week. Versus three
— King of the Hill quotes
Senior#1: Enters the boys bathroom with his friends while Bobby is washing his hands Ha. Hey, Fresh meat, This is the seniors bathroom. Im gonna shove your head in the toilet.
— King of the Hill friends
Bobby: Hey, I didnt go looking for trouble. Trouble came-a-knockin and Bobby Hills foot answered the door.
— King of the Hill trouble
Kahn: Talking to Bobby I heard what you did to Chane Wassonasong -- unforgivable! But then I hear what you did to your father -- very funny. So Im conflicted.
— King of the Hill funny
Peggy: Uh-huh, Thats right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles. Wheres your secret weapon now, huh?
— King of the Hill believe
Bobby: But, I dont want to eat any dirt. Well, maybe just a little. He pretends to eat dirt Yum, thats good dirt.
— King of the Hill good
Dale Gribble: If you want to elect me, Dale Gribble, president of the Gun Club, running on the Save-Your-Sorry-Ass platform, say aye.
— King of the Hill you
Dale Gribble: holding a plate of macaroons, small macaroons on one side, large macaroons on the other side Macaroon? Ive got entrance wound size, and exit wound size. The small macaroons are called entrance wound size, and the large macaroons are called exit wound size.
— King of the Hill
Dale Gribble: Bobby, youll be eating your fathers pork chop every night for the rest of your life. Wait. Thats the saddest thing Ive ever heard. Retraction! Bobby, you will not be having your fathers pork chop tonight, or any other night! You hear me Hank?! Bobbys not eating your pork chop!
— King of the Hill life
Peggy Hill: subtitled: Your honor, I can tell you are a reasonable horse. I am very pregnant because of what happened with Lupe. She ate my bus accident and all I wanted was to make Lupe into a book. I have too many good anuses ahead of me to spend my life in a cigar factory.
— King of the Hill life
Cotton Hill: Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why dont you get one with a flag-burnin on it? Besides, were a Joy family.
— King of the Hill peace
Didi Hill: Im lucky. Cotton is so easy to shop for. Either he likes what I get him, and hes happy, or he hates it, and he shoots it, and hes happy.
— King of the Hill hate
Bobby: When Connie referred to Bobby as just a friend Dont use the f word on me, not me; This is your cuddle monster talking.
— King of the Hill you
Bobby: to Joseph What?! You wouldnt even be having this party if it wasnt for me. Youd just be sitting alone going, Dude, like, eh Im so bleah.
— King of the Hill art
Bobby: Watch it. Youre pulling off the wings! Let go! Im not leaving! I am not leaving unless Connie leaves with me. Bobby now gets in, trying to hold his grip onto the couch.
— King of the Hill you
Joseph:as he and the boys grab Bobby Come on. One, two, three. Get him. Get him. Clark Peters lifts his fingers, carry him, and throw him over the fence, cheering. Bobby grunts
— King of the Hill boys
Dale Gribble: Youre like E.T., except E.T. was a purebred alien with a heart of gold. Youre only half-alien and at times can be a tad self-absorbed.
— King of the Hill time
Joseph Gribble: Hes just being nice to me so my real dad wont freeze him in carbonite and trade him for spice.
— King of the Hill free
Dale Gribble: What happens if my tee shot lands on a birds back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because thats how Im going to play it.
— King of the Hill play
Kahn has distracted Hank in front of the membership chairman. Ted Wassanasong goes to speak to Khan in private
— King of the Hill man
Ted: The PGA has refused to have their tournament at Nine Rivers unless we attract at least one non-Asian member. You deliver me Hank, I will put you up for junior membership.
— King of the Hill men
Dale Gribble: I dont mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. Im serious.
— King of the Hill best
Bill Dautrieve: Dont blame the banana! I had more than anyone, peels included. And I didnt get sick until way after!
— King of the Hill blame
Luanne and other girls enter Omega House. One member takes Luannes luggage but a van pulls up and two men grab her and force her inside
— King of the Hill men
Dale Gribble: Prepare to be beaten by the deadliest form of martial arts. Monkey style! Ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh!
— King of the Hill art
Nancy Gribble: This is supposed to be my re-wedding to Dale! My second chance! Why is God punishin me? looks up with her arms in the air Why, sug?!
— King of the Hill god
Dale Gribble: Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorns gay, and Ive been friends with him for years!
— King of the Hill friends
Hank: and the woman in my dreams, the one without the clothing, was not my wife. And needless to say that is not a dream I intended to have.
— King of the Hill dreams
John Redcorn: My people believe that dreams of the unconscious mind trying to solve a problem with the conscious mind cannot. Is there anything unusual going on with you?
— King of the Hill dreams
Hank: Nope. Everythings the same as its always been for as long as I can remember. Yep, same old, same old.
— King of the Hill
Hank: What?! Thats crazy! Our romantic life is as good as the day we were married. It hasnt changed a bit. Yep, weve got a great routine. If I were bored of Peggy, Id be having dreams in which I was bored of Peggy, not grilling naked with the neighbors wife.
— King of the Hill life
Marlene: Im going to be honest with you -- I only understand about half of what you say. The other times I just nod and smile and wait for your pants to come off.
— King of the Hill time
Luanne: Lets see, how can I explain this? You know how you can be happy eating vanilla ice cream day after day after day? Well, Mr. Boomhauer isnt just like that. See, he likes to try different flavors.
— King of the Hill happy
Luanne: Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sex with the ice cream lady, and now hes dumped her. Youre never gonna have ice cream again, Bobby.
— King of the Hill sex
Dale: We gotta do something. The alley was balanced before. A cool single guy, and a cool married guy. A loser single guy, and a loser married guy. Now its me and three losers!
— King of the Hill sin

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101sharequotes Quotes Topics Famous Occupations Motivation Inspirational Life Love Funny Success Friendship