Red Dwarf

: [singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around... : Lister? Lister: Hmm? Rimmer: Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.

— Red Dwarf sin

Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins. Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted! Rimmer: That's a total lie. Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me. Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept. Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!

— Red Dwarf funny

Todhunter: There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on? Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead! Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead? Todhunter: [chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!

— Red Dwarf nature

Captain Hollister: Just one more thing before we start the disco, Holly tells me he's sensed a non-human life form on-board. Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer!

— Red Dwarf life

Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave. Lister: Peterson isn't, is he? Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave! Lister: Not Chen! Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave! Lister: Rimmer? Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave. Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead? Holly: Should've never let him out in the first place....

— Red Dwarf body

: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

— Red Dwarf wit

: Look, I'm trying to navigate at faster than the speed of light, which means that before you see something, you've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of 6000, it's still brown-trousers time.

— Red Dwarf time

Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away] Lister: Good morning, Rimmer.

— Red Dwarf life

Lister: You said yourself. I can't stop it. Let's get this over with. [grabs a pipe] Rimmer: Lister, what's that for? Lister: I'm going out as I came in, screaming and kicking. Rimmer: You can't just whack Death on the head! Lister: If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!

— Red Dwarf self

Holly:said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends. Lister: Holly, all his mates were French!

— Red Dwarf friends

Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates. Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

— Red Dwarf drugs

Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."

— Red Dwarf job

Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility, yet constantly fails the Astro-navigation exam. Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad; probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical."

— Red Dwarf responsibility

Lister: [examining markings on the space pod] Hold on... Give me an R... Give me an E... Give me a D.... Give me a Red Dwarf...Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal? Holly: No, Dave. Lister: It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol? Holly: Well, it's a laugh, innit?

— Red Dwarf writing

Lister: I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? 'It is a sin to be cool.' Rimmer: LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF STUPID, SMEGGING CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars! Lister: 'Quagars?' Rimmer: Quagaars, it's a name I made up! Double-A, actually! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body! Lister: Never mind this tot, where's the Cat? Rimmer: Tot? Lister: Tot. Rimmer: Tot?! Lister: Tot! Rimmer: TOT?! Lister: TOT! Rimmer: TOT?! TOT?! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD!

— Red Dwarf mind

Rimmer: (Credits roll but then it stops) It's a garbage pod. (Credits roll again but stops again) IT'S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!!!

— Red Dwarf age

: Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.

— Red Dwarf time

Cat: [sings] S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!

— Red Dwarf sin

Confidence: Ding-dong! Another great idea from the people who brought you beer milkshakes!

— Red Dwarf people

Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed? Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me. Lister: Like what? Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray. Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

— Red Dwarf art

Lister: Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for? Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.

— Red Dwarf you

Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly. Lister: C'mon, that was a joke! Rimmer: Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.

— Red Dwarf men

Rimmer: STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!

— Red Dwarf you

Cat: [through a megaphone while on roller skates] Hello, hello, testing, testing, one one one, me me me! Attention all lady cats! I am feeling very very sexy! Can you hear me, lady cats? My body is available!

— Red Dwarf sex

Cat: [through his megaphone] SHUT UP! Lister: Will you stop doing that? Cat: I'm trying to watch the film! Lister: I'm only eatin'! Cat: No, eating's when food goes in your mouth!

— Red Dwarf food

Lister: [revelling in having the room to himself] Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! I'm a free man... And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk! I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change! Hee-hee! (sniffs)....Aw, smeggin' hell... (puts socks back in their basket)

— Red Dwarf change

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