Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins. Lister: You what? You walked in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted! Rimmer: That's a total lie. Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me. Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept. Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish! .
Todhunter: There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on? Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead! Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead? Todhunter: [chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead! .
Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave. Lister: Peterson isn't, is he? Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave! Lister: Not Chen! Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen. Everyone. Everybody's dead, Dave! Lister: Rimmer? Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave. Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead? Holly: Should've never let him out in the first place.... .
Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away] Lister: Good morning, Rimmer. .
Lister: You said yourself. I can't stop it. Let's get this over with. [grabs a pipe] Rimmer: Lister, what's that for? Lister: I'm going out as I came in, screaming and kicking. Rimmer: You can't just whack Death on the head! Lister: If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off! .
Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero." .
Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. He aches for responsibility, yet constantly fails the Astro-navigation exam. Astoundingly zealous, possibly mad; probably has more teeth than brain cells. Promotion prospects: comical." .
Lister: [examining markings on the space pod] Hold on... Give me an R... Give me an E... Give me a D.... Give me a Red Dwarf...Garbage Pod! Holly, did Rimmer ever work in waste disposal? Holly: No, Dave. Lister: It's one of our old Red Dwarf garbage pods with the writing burnt off in places. Why didn't you tell him, Hol? Holly: Well, it's a laugh, innit? .
Lister: I mean, what kind of holy writ is this, Rimmer? 'It is a sin to be cool.' Rimmer: LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF STUPID, SMEGGING CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE! You can smirk, Lister, but I believe the Quagaars! Lister: 'Quagars?' Rimmer: Quagaars, it's a name I made up! Double-A, actually! I believe the Quagaars'll have the technology to give me a new body! Lister: Never mind this tot, where's the Cat? Rimmer: Tot? Lister: Tot. Rimmer: Tot?! Lister: Tot! Rimmer: TOT?! Lister: TOT! Rimmer: TOT?! TOT?! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD! .
Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed? Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me. Lister: Like what? Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray. Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo. .
Lister: [revelling in having the room to himself] Ecstasy! We're talking mega ecstasy bliss! I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I like! I'm a free man... And you see those socks? See 'em? They're going right where they belong, all over the floor where any self-respecting bachelor would keep 'em! I'm gonna have the bottom bunk, the big bunk! I'm gonna leave the top off the shampoo. I'm gonna squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! In fact I'm gonna do all the things that drove him bonkers! I'm gonna crack me knuckles, I'm gonna grind me teeth, I'm gonna live for a change! Hee-hee! (sniffs)....Aw, smeggin' hell... (puts socks back in their basket) .
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