Spaceballs 1987

Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?Colonel Sandurz: Now. Youre looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.Dark Helmet: What happened to then?Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.Dark Helmet: When?Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Were at now now.Dark Helmet: Go back to then.Colonel Sandurz: When?Dark Helmet: Now.Colonel Sandurz: Now?Dark Helmet: Now.Colonel Sandurz: I cant.Dark Helmet: Why?Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.Dark Helmet: When?Colonel Sandurz: Just now.Dark Helmet: When will then be now?Colonel Sandurz: Soon.Dark Helmet: How soon?

— Spaceballs 1987 hell

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.Lone Starr: What?Dark Helmet: I am your fathers brothers nephews cousins former roommate.Lone Starr: Whats that make us?Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

— Spaceballs 1987 sin

Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! Im doing my best!Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?Major Asshole: I did sir. Hes my cousin.Dark Helmet: Who is he?Colonel Sandurz: Hes an asshole sir.Dark Helmet: I know that! Whats his name?Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!Dark Helmet: And his cousin?Colonel Sandurz: Hes an asshole too sir. Gunners mate First Class Philip Asshole!Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!Dark Helmet: I knew it. Im surrounded by assholes![Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!

— Spaceballs 1987 man

John Hurt: [alien rips out of his stomach. He looks down at it] Oh, no. Not again.

— Spaceballs 1987 hurt

Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maids nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.Ape #2: Spaceballs.Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!Dark Helmet: WHAT?[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]Colonel Sandurz: Youre needed on the bridge sir!Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didnt see you playing with your dolls again.Dark Helmet: GOOD!Colonel Sandurz: [Sandurz slams the door]

— Spaceballs 1987 time

Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I cant breathe in this thing.Colonel Sandurz: Were approaching Planet Druidia, sir.Dark Helmet: Good. Ill call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - Ill always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.[covering his neck]Radio Operator: Not that.Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.[aims the beam at the operators crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]

— Spaceballs 1987 war

[watching himself crash into the ships console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]Dark Helmet: No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Yogurt: Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.[turns it on]Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink, Dink: Ooooh!Yogurt: [reacts to dinks] The kids love this one.[a dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt]Yogurt: And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.[pulls string]Doll: May the schwartz be with you!Yogurt: [kisses the doll] Adorable.

— Spaceballs 1987 love

Dark Helmet: Whats the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmets threats, and is telling him the combination to the air shield]Roland: One.Dark Helmet: One.Colonel Sandurz: One.Roland: Two.Dark Helmet: Two.Colonel Sandurz: Two.Roland: Three.Dark Helmet: Three.Colonel Sandurz: Three.Roland: Four.Dark Helmet: Four.Colonel Sandurz: Four.Roland: Five.Dark Helmet: Five.Colonel Sandurz: Five.Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? Thats the stupidest combination Ive ever heard in my life! Thats the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

— Spaceballs 1987 life

Barf: I know we need the money, but...Lone Starr: Listen! Were not just doing this for money!Barf: [Barf looks at him, raises his ears]Lone Starr: Were doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!

— Spaceballs 1987 money

Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. Its programmed to go off before you do!

— Spaceballs 1987 hell

[Princess Vespa has been given a gun]Princess Vespa: I aint shooting this thing, I hate guns.[her hair gets singed by a laser]Princess Vespa: My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch![begins blasting]

— Spaceballs 1987 hate

Barf: [Spaceball 1 roars by them, in a plaid colouration of speed] Aah!Barf: What the hell was that?Lonestar: Spaceball 1.Barf: Theyve gone to plaid!

— Spaceballs 1987 hell

Lone Starr: Who hasnt heard of Yogurt!Princess Vespa: Yogurt the Wise!Dot Matrix: Yogurt the All-Powerful!Barf: Yogurt the Magnificent!Yogurt: Please, please, dont make a fuss. Im just plain Yogurt.

— Spaceballs 1987 power

Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! Youve captured their stunt doubles!

— Spaceballs 1987 you

[as they are trekking through the desert]Lone Starr: Water. Water.Barf: [Barf is panting with his tongue hanging out]Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil.Princess Vespa: Room service. Room service.

— Spaceballs 1987 water

Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] Whats the matter with this thing, whats all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,[slaps the machine]Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?[prepairs a cup for Helmet]Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.

— Spaceballs 1987 men

Princess Vespa: Now listen you...Lone Starr: You listen. On this ship, youre to refer to me as idiot, not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean.Princess Vespa: And you will not call me you. You will never address me as you. You will call me your royal highness.Lone Starr: You are royal pain in the...Barf: Whoa, hold it, time.

— Spaceballs 1987 time

Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?Radar Technician: Im having trouble with the radar, sir.Dark Helmet: Whats wrong with it?Radar Technician: Ive lost the bleeps, Ive lost the sweeps, and Ive lost the creeps.Dark Helmet: The what?Colonel Sandurz: The what?Dark Helmet: And the what?Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]Radar Technician: The sweeps.[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]Radar Technician: And the creeps.[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] Thats not all hes lost.

— Spaceballs 1987 men

Megamaid Guard: What the hell are you doing?Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?Megamaid Guard: No, no, no, stupid, youve got it much too high. Its down here where the shoulder meets the neck.[Lone Star changes hand position]Lone Starr: Like this?Megamaid Guard: Yeah![guard falls to the ground]Lone Starr: Thanks.

— Spaceballs 1987 change

Dark Helmet: [breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style] I cant breathe in this thing!

— Spaceballs 1987 art

Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, well all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

— Spaceballs 1987 god

[upon going into ludicrous speed]Dark Helmet: My brains are going into my feet!

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurts lair] But sir, your ring! Dont you have the schwartz too?Dark Helmet: Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See theres two sides to every Schwartz.

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Dark Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I dont mean your pals in the Winnebago.

— Spaceballs 1987 friends

Minister: Excuse me! Im trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet!Princess Vespa: Im sorry!King Roland: Im sorryPrince Valium: Im sorry too.Minister: Dont be sorry, be quiet!Princess Vespa, King Roland, Prince Valium: Im sorry!

— Spaceballs 1987 love

[after running the full length of Spaceball One to reach the bridge]President Skroob: The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.

— Spaceballs 1987 will

[last lines]Dot Matrix: [seeing Lone Starr and Princess Vespa kiss at their wedding] Well, goodbye virgin alarm.

— Spaceballs 1987 good

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

— Spaceballs 1987 evil

Princess Vespa: [the quartet enters Yogurts lair]Princess Vespa: What is this place?Barf: It looks like the Temple of Doom.Dot Matrix: Well it sure aint Temple Beth Israel.

— Spaceballs 1987 art

Colonel Sandurz: [squeaks] Prepare ship...[tries again, with booming voice]Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!

— Spaceballs 1987 animals

Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. Howve you been?Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.Dark Helmet: [softly] GoodColonel Sandurz: Its a good thing you were wearing that helmet.Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?Colonel Sandurz: Were stopped, Sir.Dark Helmet: Good. Well why dont we take a five minute break?Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.Dark Helmet: Smoke if you gotem.Dark Helmet: [Collapses]

— Spaceballs 1987 good

[first title cards]Title card/crawl: Once upon a time warp...Title card/crawl: In a galaxy very, very, very, very far away there lived a ruthless race of beings known as... Spaceballs. Chapter Eleven. The evil leaders of planet Spaceball, having foolishly squandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia. Today is Princess Vespas wedding day. Unbeknownst to the Princess but knownst to us, danger lurks in the stars above... If you can read this, you dont need glasses.

— Spaceballs 1987 war

President Skroob: Sanders! Sanders! You gotta help me, I dont know what to do. I cant make decisions, Im a president!

— Spaceballs 1987 decisions

Dark Helmet: What did you do?Colonel Sandurz: I turned off the wall.Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!Colonel Sandurz: I must have pressed the wrong button.Dark Helmet: Well, put it back on!

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

Minister: Do you?Lone Starr: YesMinister: Do you?Princess Vespa: YesMinister: GOOD, youre married. KISS HER!

— Spaceballs 1987 good

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.Lone Starr: Oh great. Thats all we needed. A Druish princess.Barf: Funny, she doesnt look Druish.

— Spaceballs 1987 funny

Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now lets see how well you handle it.

— Spaceballs 1987 war

President Skroob: Why didnt somebody tell me my ass was so big?

— Spaceballs 1987 body

Dot Matrix: Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your fathers sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.

— Spaceballs 1987 you

[man who ate the Space Special is becoming violently ill]Woman in Diner: Grab him some water!Trucker in Cap: Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!

— Spaceballs 1987 man

Barf: Im a mog: half man, half dog. Im my own best friend!

— Spaceballs 1987 man

Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!

— Spaceballs 1987 love

Barf: (reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SHIT!Princess Vespa: How was that?Lone Starr: Not bad.Barf: Not bad... for a girl.Dot Matrix: Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!

— Spaceballs 1987 good

Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?Dark Helmet: No you fool, were following orders. We were told to comb the desert so were combing it.

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?Dark Helmet: Yes, were gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

— Spaceballs 1987 light

Princess Vespa: Who are you?Barf: Barf!Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!

— Spaceballs 1987 you

Lone Starr: We gotta get moving before dawn.Barf: Why so early?Lone Starr: Because were in the middle of a desert and were not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.[screen dissolves into a shot of the blazing sun overhead, with Lone Starr and Barf still slightly visible]Barf: Nice dissolve.

— Spaceballs 1987 light

Lone Starr: Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

— Spaceballs 1987

Self-Destruct Voice: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.President Skroob: Youve got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it?Colonel Sandurz: I cant - its irreversible.President Skroob: Like my raincoat!

— Spaceballs 1987 self

Dot Matrix: [while running from blaster fire, a la Star Wars] Ooh, I *hate* these movies!

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Colonel Sandurz: Sir hadnt you better buckle up?Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this! LUDICROUS SPEED! *GO!*

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

[after their Schwartz sabers get twisted]Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Commanderette Zircon: [Skroob is going to the bathroom. Zircon appears on the wall in front of him] President Skroob!President Skroob: Ahh! I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!

— Spaceballs 1987 man

Self-Destruct Voice: This ship will self-destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.President Skroob: Cancellation button? HURRY!

— Spaceballs 1987 self

[Mega-Maids computer counts down to self-destruct]Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...[they close their eyes and grimace]Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.[They close them again]

— Spaceballs 1987 self

Minister: Whats your name?Barf: Barf.Minister: Your full name?[Barf sucks in chest to look stronger]Barf: Barfolomew!

— Spaceballs 1987 you

Trooper: We aint found shit!

— Spaceballs 1987

Barf: The minute we move in theyre gonna spot us on their radar.Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.Barf: Uh-huh.Lone Starr: Nuh-uh.Barf: Uh-uh.Lone Starr: Nuh-uh. Not if we jam it.Barf: Aha! Youre right.Lone Starr: Down scope.Barf: Down scope.[puts down a periscope and targets the Spaceball 1s radar dish]Barf: Radar about to be jammed.[then, a huge jar of jam smashes into the dish]

— Spaceballs 1987 you

Colonel Sandurz: Its Mega Maid. Shes gone from suck to blow.

— Spaceballs 1987

[as Lone Starr dodges laser blasts from Dark Helmets Schwartz]Dark Helmet: Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isnt the Wild World of Sports.

— Spaceballs 1987 war

[after attempting to get out of a chair with his seatbelt on]Barf: Oh! Thats gonna leave a mark.

— Spaceballs 1987 sea

Self-Destruct Voice: [aboard Mega-Maid] Thank you for pressing the self destruct button.

— Spaceballs 1987 self

[after the self-destruction mechanism has been activated]President Skroob: Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I dont know what to do. I cant make decisions. Im a president!

— Spaceballs 1987 self

Dark Helmet: Prepare to attack! On the count of three. One... two...[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]Dark Helmet: WAIT! What happened? Where are they?Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I dont know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.Dark Helmet: AND WHAT HAVE WE GOT ON THIS THING, A *CUISINART*?

— Spaceballs 1987 art

Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe... as the...Barf: ...the Force?Yogurt: No, the Schwartz!

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Dot Matrix: I was saying; Do you realize what youve done?Princess Vespa: Yes, and Im glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.Dot Matrix: I wonder if shes glad.

— Spaceballs 1987 wonder

Prison Guard: Hey! Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!Prison Guard: They beat the shit out of us too!

— Spaceballs 1987 prison

Lone Starr: Chief... I cant... I cant go any further. I cant go any further.Lone Starr: Just one more dune to go.Barf: Thats what you said three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh, waiter... cheque please.[collapses, dropping Dot]Lone Starr: Must go on... MUST GO ON! Must go on...[stops]Lone Starr: Who am I kidding?[Drops Vespa, collapses]

— Spaceballs 1987 you

Dark Helmet: [as the ship is going into ludicrous speed] Weve passed them. Stop this thing!Colonel Sandurz: We cant stop, its too dangerous! We have to slow down first!Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! Just stop this thing! I order you, *STOP*!

— Spaceballs 1987 anger

Dot Matrix: Hey, stop looking up my can.Barf: Sorry.

— Spaceballs 1987

Lone Starr: Called me an idiot! Im going back there and explain a few things to her.Dot Matrix: Besides he got a sexy voice. He might be cute.Barf: Wait. You havent seen what she looks like.Lone Starr: I know what she looks like. Youve seen one princess, youve seen them all.Princess Vespa: Cute? I know these space bums, theyre all alike. Fat, ugly...Lone Starr: Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...Princess Vespa: Beer-swilling pigs!Lone Starr: Horse-faced space dogs!

— Spaceballs 1987 sex

President Skroob: [to Dark Helmet] Never have that damn thing down in front of me. How I do I know youre not making faces at me under that thing?[Dark Helmet raises his face shield and sticks his tongue out at Skroob after he turns away]

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

[watching Spaceball One change into MegaMaid]Barf: Oh, my gosh. Its not just a spaceship. Its a Transformer.

— Spaceballs 1987 change

Dark Helmet: [Helmet is going to enter an escape pod when a fat woman reaches it first] Hey hey hey! Thats my escape pod! Who are you?Bearded Lady: [in gravelly voice] Im the bearded lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?[bumps Helmet away, boards the escape pod laughing]Dark Helmet: [Helmet up at the window] Wait, wait! No!Bearded Lady: [escape pod blasts away]Dark Helmet: Come back you fat bearded bitch!

— Spaceballs 1987 man

Dot Matrix: Hey wait, you forgot to get married!

— Spaceballs 1987 you

Princess Vespa: I really must go back. I shouldnt have run away. I realize now that love is one luxury a princess cannot afford.Lone Starr: Youre probably right.Princess Vespa: I know now that I must learn to live without love.Lone Starr: I guess so.Princess Vespa: Besides, love isnt that important.Lone Starr: Nah... It never was!Princess Vespa: I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without...[turns and looks into Lone Starrs eyes, pauses]Princess Vespa: love.Lone Starr: Sure you could.Princess Vespa: Without physical contact.Lone Starr: Yeah.Princess Vespa: Without being held.Lone Starr: Yeah.Princess Vespa: Or kissed...[they go to kiss, but right before they make contact, Dot Matrixs Virgin Alarm goes off]

— Spaceballs 1987 love

Barf: Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Women and mogs first!

— Spaceballs 1987 women

Radar Technician: [Into raspy-sounding intercom] Sir?Colonel Sandurz: What is it?Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] Im having trouble with the radar, sir.Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You dont need that, private; were right here. Now, what is it?Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] Im having trouble with the radar, sir.Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

Princess Vespa: [looking up at the night sky] Which ones yours?Lone Starr: Who knows?Princess Vespa: You dont know where youre from?Lone Starr: Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.Princess Vespa: A monastery? Where?Lone Starr: Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

— Spaceballs 1987 night

Yogurt: Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz!Lone Starr: I cant - I lost the ring!Yogurt: Forget the ring! The ring is bupkis! I found it in a Cracker Jack box!

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Minister: ...to join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of Holy...[sound of Eagle 5 flying over the castle]Minister: MOLY!

— Spaceballs 1987 lying

President Skroob: [Upon discovering there is only one escape pod left] One pod left and three of us and Im the President. Well, boys, its a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it.

— Spaceballs 1987 love

Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, hey! Thats my escape pod! Who are you?Bearded Lady: Im the Bearded Lady. Who are you, one of the freaks?Dark Helmet: [the Bearded Lady belly bumps Dark Helmet out of the way and takes the escape pod] Dammit! Thats my pod! No! Come back you fat, bearded bitch!

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

[nurse exits]Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

Alien puppet: [singing and dancing] Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal! Send me your kiss by wire, baby my hearts on fire! If you refuse me honey youll lose me then youll be left alone, oh baby telephone and tell me Im your own!

— Spaceballs 1987 time

Barf, Lone Starr: [after the chest-bursting alien dances across the counter at the diner] Check please!

— Spaceballs 1987 dance

Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?

— Spaceballs 1987 dark

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr. Yogurt has taught you well. If theres one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put er there.[Reaches out to shake Lone Starrs hand and instead takes his Schwartz ring]Dark Helmet: The Ring! I cant believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! Whats with you man? Come on! You know what? Here let me give it back to you.[throws it down the grate]Dark Helmet: Oh, look, you fell for that too! I cant believe it, man!

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows...Lone Starr: Its coming from there.Barf: That cant be her.[Lone Starr and Barf walk toward the cell that the singing is coming from]Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] ... the trouble Ive seen...[Lone Starr opens eye slot in jail cell door and sees Princess Vespa singing]Princess Vespa: [singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows but Jesus.Lone Starr: Its her.Princess Vespa: [Barf looks in - Princess Vespa still singing in a very deep tone] Nobody knows the trouble Ive seen.Barf: Shes a bass.

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Colonel Sandurz: All personnel proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.

— Spaceballs 1987 self

Dark Helmet: [Dr. Schlotkin is caught making out with his nurse assistant] Schlotkin!Dr. Schlotkin: [pulls away from the nurse and adjusts his glasses as the nurse nervously zips the top of her dress back up] What?Dark Helmet: Were done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz.

— Spaceballs 1987 work

Lone Starr: A million? Thats unfair.Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to payor but not to payee. But youre gonna pay it, or else!Barf: Or else what?Pizza the Hutt: Tell him, Vinnie.Vinnie: Or else Pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

— Spaceballs 1987 you

Lone Starr: I still dont understand how Im going to lift that big statue with this little ring.Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

— Spaceballs 1987 war

Dark Helmet: Well, I hope its a long ceremony, cause its gonna be a short honeymoon.

— Spaceballs 1987 hope

Dark Helmet: Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!Colonel Sandurz: [Summing up the evil plan of the movie] We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.Dark Helmet: [to camera] Everybody got that?Dark Helmet: Good. When will the princess be married?Colonel Sandurz: Within an hour, sir.Dark Helmet: Well I hope its a long ceremony, cause its gonne be a short honeymoon.[laughs evil]

— Spaceballs 1987 hope

Dark Helmet: Raspberry. Theres only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star![camera moves in closer and closer during his dialog until it smashes into Dark Helmet and knocks him out]

— Spaceballs 1987 man

Pizza the Hutt: Well, if it isnt Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke.Barf: Thats Barf.Pizza the Hutt: Barf... Puke... *Whatever!*

— Spaceballs 1987 hate

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