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paula poundstone

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

— paula poundstone ideas

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax murderer.

— paula poundstone murder

I’m drinking a Diet Coke, because frankly I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts yesterday and this will take it away.

— paula poundstone art

We’ve got fourteen women in the Senate. Fourteen women in the Senate? We are 52 percent of the population. Apparently women do suck at math.

— paula poundstone women

I have three cats, and they have fleas. But they never go out, so if they have fleas, they got them from me. I feel like kind of an ass for making them wear the collars.

— paula poundstone cats

I don’t even have a savings account because I don’t know my mom’s maiden name, and apparently that’s the key to the whole thing.

— paula poundstone

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

— paula poundstone children

The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, its more like a tired feeling, really.

— paula poundstone death

I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

— paula poundstone

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ’Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’

— paula poundstone you

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. Thats how she learned how to swim. I said, Mom, they werent trying to teach you how to swim.

— Paula Poundstone you

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

— Paula Poundstone love

I love key lime pie, although its never made the proper way.

— Paula Poundstone love

Im thankful for Sarah Palins vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.

— Paula Poundstone

I used to watch The Waltons and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.

— Paula Poundstone humor

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

— Paula Poundstone food

Im thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

— Paula Poundstone

Im really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

— Paula Poundstone change

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the Three Stooges were geniuses. Theyd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

— Paula Poundstone love

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but Ive learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

— Paula Poundstone people

I can make things, but I dont cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, Im too absentminded.

— Paula Poundstone mind

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

— Paula Poundstone home

When every high school graduate can spell the word, inauguration, lets put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obamas voice gives out.

— Paula Poundstone school

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

— Paula Poundstone

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

— Paula Poundstone art

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, lets have a ball. Ill blow up the balloons myself.

— Paula Poundstone self

Im thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

— Paula Poundstone memory

When we live up to our Constitution, lets form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

— Paula Poundstone live

When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I cant stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.

— Paula Poundstone writing

Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.

— Paula Poundstone life

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, its just sort of a tired feeling.

— Paula Poundstone death

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because theyre looking for ideas

— Paula Poundstone ideas

The law must be stable, but it must not stand still.

— Paula Poundstone law

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.

— Paula Poundstone ideas

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before Id done everything there was to do.

— Paula Poundstone live

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they werent trying to teach you how to swim.

— Paula Poundstone you

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

— Paula Poundstone murder

I dont have a bank account because I dont know my mothers maiden name.

— Paula Poundstone mother

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